My kids super power is knowing he won’t like a food before he even tries it
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*at a party*
peter: jesus keeps double dipping his chips. should we say something?
paul: we all saw him walk on water the other day. he brought a guy back from the dead last week. he seems to be in command of some pretty scary powers but, sure, go tell him to stop double dipping.
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
commiting a crime and pretending to be a witness so i can get the police sketch artist to draw my oc for free
me: [to woman next to me] blow on it for luck
craps dealer: no soup at the table
Her: Do you kik?
Me: Like rocks?
Her: …….
ICYMI: Yesterday, MarineLand Canada sent the police to my house because I tweeted “Life is short. Steal a walrus”. Vid or it didn’t happen? Ok:
Hi kids I’m Keanu Reeves here to tell you that speed is never cool unless you’re a professional SWAT member on a bus that’s about to blow up
I’ll know I’m marrying the right person when we’ve both cancelled the wedding twice
I’d rather see a guy with a machete walking towards me than someone with a clipboard.
Unappreciated diet tip: If you want to lose a significant amount of weight, it’s important to start out really fat.
So I was coloring my few, grey hairs with a sharpie and Hubby walked in.
He told me, I’m the reason for warning labels on small appliances.
Do regular dogs see poilce dogs and think “oh shit it’s the cops let’s run.”
I want to be gangsta but my grandma said no
People like to say they love coffee but dump 1 gallon of sugar into it. You don’t love coffee you love candy.
I freak out when i don’t see the L and R marks on headphones. There’s no way I’m taking that risk.
GIRL: There are these two black holes that collided & released more energy than a trillion stars
ME: Damn that sucks. I would never do that
Telling my husband he got his days mixed up and my quarantine is actually another day so he doesn’t see how messy I’ve let this room get.
Me: I just want to swaddle you in a baby blanket and rock you to sleep.
Son: Can you just say bye to me like a normal mom?
Me: *grabs his head and rubs it like a crystal ball* the spirits say no.
Some of these captcha tests are hard sha. Maybe I’m a robot?
Forget a alarm clock just give me the smell of bacon and coffee
“I’m not going to eat anything today”
“Pie?”
“Please”
“Oooo, a window. Let’s see if I can fly through it.” – Dumbass birds
If I was a dental hygienist I’d be like “Now I’m gonna rip up your gums with a metal hook and then blame you for not flossing enough, sorry”
Shout out to my drug dealer Jamal, he’s taught me more about the metric system than any of my teachers ever did.
*switches the place cards so I’m sitting next to the mashed potatoes*
*out for dinner with friends*
Me: I’m going to need 5 desserts and 1 spoon.
Waiter: Don’t you mean 1 dessert and 5 spoons?
Me: You heard me.
I’ve never been #BackToTheFuture , but my mom always used to promise me she’d knock me into next week if I didn’t behave.
This strip mall certainly is misleading
And I probably should put my clothes back on now.
Instead of death, we should just call it ‘eternity leave’
“weighing in at 129 lbs, here to throw down in a gown, to slay with a bouquet-”
(Bride walks down the aisle, upset I mentioned her weight)