@IndigoCheese

I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN AND FIND YOU and cuddle you softly.

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@Parkerlawyer

Day drinking poolside. There’s literally nothing that could ruin this moment.

“MOMMY WATCH THIS!”

@ddsmidt

No good ever comes from pulling on that tiny thread.

@GrowlyGrego

Wait…the “S” in ASAP doesn’t stand for “Slowly?”

Shit.

This has cost me 27, maybe 28 jobs.

@mela_shea

[First day of jury duty]

*whispers to fellow juror* Psst. Hi! Sorry, first day in court haha. So when does the jester perform?

@TitansHomer

Guess what!

Some blacks don’t like whites, some whites don’t like blacks!

And nobody likes Mexicans!

Big deal! Who cares!

@AimeeHelene1

I’m just a girl, yodeling at the top of my lungs, until someone agrees to give me this latte for free.

@RunOldMan

My neighbor has a couple of cameras on her house, every time I go past I wave at her through the camera, she told me the other day she gives me the finger.

@TheHyyyype

math teacher: you currently have a 55% in this class and you need at least 60% to pass

me: is there anything i can do to raise my grade?

math teacher: if you do this one assignment, i’ll give you 10% extra credit

me:

math teacher:

me: i don’t- is that going to be enough