@IndigoCheese

I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN AND FIND YOU and cuddle you softly.

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@KalvinMacleod

ME: I’ve finally adjusted to daylight savings time
WIFE: really
ME: really
WIFE: *takes cat out of fridge*
ME: *stops petting the milk*

@junejuly12

Nice try cereal but everyone knows that the real breakfast of champions is three chocolate glazed donuts.

@TheBoghdady

“When a girl says ‘Awww Thanks!’, it means she’s politely asking you to return to the friend zone that you just tried to escape from.”

@JohnHilsen

It’s impossible to lick your elbow. You never let me. Please. I want this.

@bluebonetbabies

1st child: you encourage creativity
2nd child: you encourage independent play
3rd child: you stifle all imagination to avoid a mess.

@3sunzzz

My son is suspended?

Yes, in-school suspension.

So he goes to school?

Yes, but he’s suspended.

Suspended IN THE SCHOOL?

Yes.

Idiot.

@TheCattyLady

Go down a water slide without water and you’ll understand why foreplay is so important.

@mstluvstrinkets

Anything I accomplish before I finish my first cup of coffee has been fueled by rage.