@IndigoCheese

I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN AND FIND YOU and cuddle you softly.

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@chanelpuke

WHO WAS THE PERSON WHO PASSED UP THE CHANCE TO CALL GERMAN CURRENCY GERMONEY

@KeetPotato

[gameshow]
me: [visibly doing maths on my fingers] “17”
host: [looks at me weird] “that’s wrong”
other contestant: “salmon?”
host: “correct”

@ddsmidt

”My intentions are not pure” I whisper as I put on yoga pants with no intention of doing yoga.

@iinkedZombie

My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up from a nap just to say, “hi.”

@Sanbel11

My friend asked me today if I started Christmas shopping.
I’m crying. While digging a hole to bury her.

@hipsterocracy

People shit on Columbus like they’ve never knocked on the wrong door and then murdered the people inside and lived there.

@Kids_kubed

Me: (throwing up in toilet)

6: (pulls my hair out of my face)

Me: *aw she cares about me*

6: Can you see now to put in the password for the iPad?

@CornOnTheGoblin

[Struts in lookin fly as heck in my speedo, shower cap and armfull of baby dolls

struts out with new understanding of the term baby shower]

@just_evolved

When a killer makes you dig your own grave, throw the soil far away so he has trouble backfilling.