I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN AND FIND YOU and cuddle you softly.

You Might Also Like


ME: I’ve finally adjusted to daylight savings time
WIFE: really
ME: really
WIFE: *takes cat out of fridge*
ME: *stops petting the milk*


Nice try cereal but everyone knows that the real breakfast of champions is three chocolate glazed donuts.


“When a girl says ‘Awww Thanks!’, it means she’s politely asking you to return to the friend zone that you just tried to escape from.”


It’s impossible to lick your elbow. You never let me. Please. I want this.


1st child: you encourage creativity
2nd child: you encourage independent play
3rd child: you stifle all imagination to avoid a mess.


My son is suspended?

Yes, in-school suspension.

So he goes to school?

Yes, but he’s suspended.

Suspended IN THE SCHOOL?




Go down a water slide without water and you’ll understand why foreplay is so important.


Anything I accomplish before I finish my first cup of coffee has been fueled by rage.