WHO WAS THE PERSON WHO PASSED UP THE CHANCE TO CALL GERMAN CURRENCY GERMONEY
I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN AND FIND YOU and cuddle you softly.
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me: [visibly doing maths on my fingers] “17”
host: [looks at me weird] “that’s wrong”
other contestant: “salmon?”
I hate how commercialized Amazon Prime Day has become.
”My intentions are not pure” I whisper as I put on yoga pants with no intention of doing yoga.
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up from a nap just to say, “hi.”
My friend asked me today if I started Christmas shopping.
I’m crying. While digging a hole to bury her.
People shit on Columbus like they’ve never knocked on the wrong door and then murdered the people inside and lived there.
Me: (throwing up in toilet)
6: (pulls my hair out of my face)
Me: *aw she cares about me*
6: Can you see now to put in the password for the iPad?
[Struts in lookin fly as heck in my speedo, shower cap and armfull of baby dolls
struts out with new understanding of the term baby shower]
When a killer makes you dig your own grave, throw the soil far away so he has trouble backfilling.