I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN AND FIND YOU and cuddle you softly.
You Might Also Like
I wondered why I didn’t find any Easter eggs in my garden.
#EasterBunny #Easter #AmazingFacts #RubbishJoked #DadJokes
“SOMEONE IS VAPING”
911: Stay calm, were tracing it
“HURRY”
911: THE VAPING IS COMIN FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE
“OMG”
911: GET OUT GET OUT
Want air conditioning on the shuttle bus? Open a window, Your Majesty.
Wanna see awkward?
Hand me a baby.
Elephant 911: What’s ur em-
Elephant: MOUSE
Elephant 911: WHERE
Elephant: FLOOR
Elephant 911: JUMP ON THE TABLE
[table breaking noises]
It should cost $87 to leave someone a voicemail.
i once got pulled into the boss’s office because a coworker was upset that i gave him “a look that implied he was an idiot.”
Laughing far too much 🤣🤣🤣
There should be a polygamist version of the Bachelor where he says yes to all 30 women on the first night and the season ends after one episode
I’m sorry I pretended to be one of those inflatable flappy arm guys when you leaned in for a hug at church today.
Your dating profile said you were a night owl…..eat this mouse.
FOUR RULES FOR DATING MY TEENAGE DAUGHTER:
1) get her home by 11 p.m.
2) so we can chill
3) i have mario party
4) be my friend
*wakes up*
*checks the obituaries*
*sees I’m not listed*
“Well that’s a relief”
Me: I’ll have an egg white omelette
Waiter: I’m sorry, sir. It’s after Labor Day.
My son just came and asked me to help him with his history project and I really feel like he’s taking a BIG chance on me considering what happened when I tried to help him with his math homework. Here goes nothing.
My five year old keeps asking about our plans “over the holidays.” By “the holidays” she’s referring to her birthday next month.
hot girl doing pouty lips: wow she is so sexy
me doing pouty lips: are…are you going to puke, you have to tell me if you’re going to puke
boss: what are u doing
me: *pretends to read email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read email”
I just finished doing a 30 minute workout – ten minutes looking for my glasses, 15 minutes squeezing into my yoga pants and 5 minutes on the treadmill.
If you glue a dead wasp to your palm, you can smack your boss on the back of the head as hard as you want and act like you saved him.
Me:*looks up from phone*
Okay, it was Mr. Plum in the ballroom with the wrench.Family:
M:
Mom: We stopped playing that game 5 hours ago.
If three ghosts visited me on Christmas Eve I’d call a priest, not buy everyone a turkey.
Good Morning.
-Stop sending me scary scenes from destruction films! What’s wrong with you?
-That was just me cooking us lasagna
-Oh..see you at 9!
-You bet you will
6: Dad, why do you have so many nicknames for me?
*I break down, no longer able to cover up that I can’t remember my son’s name
Wedding DJ pointed at a bird that flew inside the building and yelled, “Y’all, give it up for the man who taught me how to SHAPESHIFT!!!”
Welcome to middle age. The hair on your head is fragile and falls out. The hair on your chin could reel in a shark.
“Yeah, and she’s not breathing. Should I call someone?”
“Yes!”
“Hello! Yes, hello Pizza Hut, she’s not breathing.”
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
I don’t go to the circus. Not because I’m scared of clowns, but because I’m scared of people who go to the circus.