Her: I’ll bring the wine, you bring the sandwiches. Any kind.
Her: Umm, why is the picnic basket dripping?
My: Oh no, my ice cream sandwiches!
“I will look for you. I will find you. And I will kill you.” -Liam Neeson opening a Where’s Waldo book
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Never underestimate a woman sitting quietly in a corner sharpening a knife.
SON: Why did mommy leave?
ME: You know how in your fav movie the t-rex fights the velociraptors even though it might die?
ME: She said that shit was fake yo
ME: Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?
DEATH: WE GET THERE WHEN WE GET THERE.
temp agency: can you do retail
Physicist: *pounds fist* None of our models predicted this!
Cindy Crawford: What did you expect? My major was Chemical Engineering.
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: Know why I pulled u over
C: Stop that
M: Stop that
C: Wanna go to jail?
M: Wanna go to jail?
C: No.. errr
[Arrives at work dressed as a sexy kitty]
Boss: *points to memo on desk* “It says no Halloween costumes”
Me: *slowly pushes memo off desk*
Anything can be used as a dartboard. Like your coworker Jim who always says “another day in paradise”.
Ocean’s 8 makes me feel seen as a woman but also as someone who has tried to organize anything with more than 3 people