@JohnLyonTweets

“I will look for you. I will find you. And I will kill you.” -Liam Neeson opening a Where’s Waldo book

You Might Also Like

@JohnLyonTweets

Her: I’ll bring the wine, you bring the sandwiches. Any kind.

[later]

Her: Umm, why is the picnic basket dripping?

My: Oh no, my ice cream sandwiches!

@Hello_Bella

Never underestimate a woman sitting quietly in a corner sharpening a knife.

@chuuew

SON: Why did mommy leave?

ME: You know how in your fav movie the t-rex fights the velociraptors even though it might die?

SON: Yeah

ME: She said that shit was fake yo

@dorsalstream

ME: Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?

DEATH: WE GET THERE WHEN WE GET THERE.

@stevevsninjas

Physicist: *pounds fist* None of our models predicted this!
Cindy Crawford: What did you expect? My major was Chemical Engineering.

@T_Bonezzz

Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: Know why I pulled u over
C: Stop that
M: Stop that
C: Wanna go to jail?
M: Wanna go to jail?
C: No.. errr

@Book_Krazy

[Arrives at work dressed as a sexy kitty]

Boss: *points to memo on desk* “It says no Halloween costumes”

Me: *slowly pushes memo off desk*

@delusions_of

Anything can be used as a dartboard. Like your coworker Jim who always says “another day in paradise”.

@aparnapkin

Ocean’s 8 makes me feel seen as a woman but also as someone who has tried to organize anything with more than 3 people