“I will look for you. I will find you. And I will kill you.” -Liam Neeson opening a Where’s Waldo book
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“I’ve said too much already.“
“All you did was blink.”
“Yeah, but twice.”
me: let me tell you about the fast and the furious movies
him: no spoilers
me: i assure you there are a ton
I could never argue with evolution. No telling how many situations have had me ready to throw my own shit.
My mom wants to see 50 Shades of Gray with me… I screamed, “OH HELL NO” and suggested we see Cinderella instead.
Fun fact: Whenever no one is looking at Mount Rushmore, the presidents’ heads all make out.
Merlin: What now?
Lawyer: I’d advise you to turn yourself in to the police
Officer Merlin: Ok, and now?
I created a bunch of wifi networks in case any of my neighbors are single
When we go back to in-person office meetings, I’m going to start out by soundlessly moving my lips until people yell at me, just for continuity.
Overheard in Dublin pub bathroom last night:
Girl 1: “My Ma is going mad that I’m out on Christmas Eve. She said to me: ‘it’s the day baby Jesus was born, and you’re out drinking’”
Girl 2: “Jesus was born ages ago, relax!
My Grandma saw all of your tweets about stepping on Legos & asked if any of you cream puffs have ever heard of a game called Jacks?
Me: Push!
Grandkids: But, you’re heavy.
Me: What did the sign say?
Grandkids: No children in shopping cart :((
Me: Rules are rules.
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy football?
ME: Okay, I’m a quarterback with wings
Not me walking to the supermarket and feeling cute in my polka dot summer dress until an elderly woman stops to point out we’re wearing the same dress.
This is a bargain. I’ve always paid at least $5.
It’s almost as if the kids at this campsite don’t get how funny it is that I bust in their tent at 4am wearing a clown suit & holding an ax.
The best sandwich I ever had was roast beef and brie at the Museum of Natural History cafe. It’s a memory that gets me through the tough sandwiches.
the simulation is moving too fast
Me: 🎶 Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away 🎶
Optometrist: “You need glasses.”
Don’t think of it as a garlic knot binge, think of it as a vampire prevention plan.
My sunglasses are always prescription so if they’re stolen, it becomes two idiots who can’t see.
Good news. My neighbor found that last box of fireworks.
When I force-quit my computer and then start it again, it turns into my parents. It’s not angry, just disappointed that Windows was not shut down properly.
It’s nice that my vacuum has a headlight just in case I want to clean in the dark or wake my dog up thinking he’s getting hit by a train.
toddler *walks by with a hammer*
me: What are you gonna make?
toddler: Noise
“Liquor in the front, poker in the back” is not an acceptable tee shirt slogan for my church’s charity poker team…
I know that now.
Three men are on a boat
They have four cigarettes but nothing to light them with.
So?
So they throw one cigarette overboard and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter.
1. have a child
2. never mention it on facebook
3. dress it in old-timey clothes and have it stand in the background of all your photos
Survivor, except it’s just me holding in my pee while talking to a guest at work.
Friendly parenting reminder – as the weather starts to get nicer, don’t forget to close the windows before you yell at your kids.