I will marry a woman if she knows homer is Not a Simpson and Plato is Not clay
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Hate when I lay out too close to the shoreline and the other beach goers team up to try to push me back in the water.
When I was a kid, I wanted to be Stephen Hawking. Now that he’s dead, that feeling is even stronger
Me: I must warn you, I’m like an animal in bed.
Her: That’s fine by me!
*burrows under the covers and falls asleep at the foot of the bed*
ME (pulling wishbone): I won
WIFE: what’d u wish for?
M: uh world peace
W: Nice
*human-sized bacon strip walks into kitchen* Hey, what’s up?
I hate avocados
*gets kicked out of California*
Me: I have the body of a pro wrestler.
Her: OMG I love The Rock.
Me: Oh, totes, but what are your feelings on sumo?
Hate it when I get carried away with emotions.
Lost a who-blinks-1st competition with a box of donuts & had to eat em all in a fit of rage
This is a wedding toast I made up you can use if you want:
Some say you aren’t good enough for him. Some say you aren’t good enough for her. I say you’re good enough for each other.
People keep wishing January was over like the worst month of the year isn’t coming up next. Thats like wishing someone would stop arguing with you and just punch you in the face.
Google:
“Never run away from a black bear or approach him. Make yourself look as big as possible.”Me:
*hands bear a magnifying glass*
I’ll have a salad but on top of a burger with cheese
“So you want a cheeseburger?”
Yes but when you bring it to me say here’s your salad
ME: kids, santa’s not real you don’t have to worry that someone’s always observing you
ALEXA: he’s right kids relax
That awkward laugh when they’ve said something innocuous, but you’re thinking something incredibly dirty.
If you ever feel stupid just know that I once cried bc I thought I ran over a crow but it was just a black work glove that was already dead.
The evolutionary process has created crabs five independent times throughout the course of history. Humans are not the pinnacle of evolution. Evolution wants crabs.
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant I tell the people coming in “I recommend the squirrel”.
Receptionist: “The doctor will see you now.”
Invisible Man: “Finally, a cure!”
What fresh Hell is this?!?
Mom A at the park: We allow 1 hour of screen time a week
Mom B: We are a screen-free home
Me: My daughter named her new doll PBS Kids Dot Org
Grandmother clock.
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
I like to go the extra mile and then not come back.
My teen is officially at the part of math where I need to sit down with him and say, “Son, we are a family of idiots.”
Black Mirror S05E01
January 20, 2021:
[fade in on TV set]
President-elect Kanye walks onstage, nods to V.P. Kanye, and places hand on a Bible held by Judge Kanye.
[cut to]
Kanye, arm around Kanye, turns off TV, tosses remote, and leans over to pet Kanye, who wags his tail.
how tf does a online class run out of seats when the seats not real 🤦🏾♂️
Incredible news from Britain. This changes everything
You think your wife is crazy now?
Try divorcing her
I’m the master at playing ‘The floor is lava’
*Lies on the couch*
ME: we sure have one great kid
WIFE: we have two kids
ME: yes we do