I will never feel sorry for people who complain about getting screwed in their divorce.
Hell, I can’t even get screwed in my marriage.
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I need a note so I can get out of having sex with my husband.
Gynecologist: …
Sometimes I lay in bed awake at night thinking, how did Skeletor from He-Man speak perfectly without lips or a tongue
A co-worker just used the word “elderly” to describe someone my age and that’s why I had to kill her.
If you’ve ever referred to yourself as a “diva” there is a 100% chance at least one person you know has fantasized about murdering you.
having a bad day today. 😔 can everyone please send cute pictures of their banking app login info.
the 1000 IQ baby who kills itself at 1 year old
police: DROP YOUR WEAPON
me: places my self-deprecating humor gently on the ground
If I could be a superhero, I’d be Aluminum Man. My superpower would be foiling crime.
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
*cooking omelette for GF*
Me: “Want extra cheese, babe?”
Gf: “Sure baby”
*slowly turns up Aerosmith’s ‘I Don’t Wanna Miss a Thing’*
we need a disney princess who is the shark from the movie Jaws
i hear the new batman movie is so long because there’s a scene where bruce wayne withdraws the entirety of his bank account but he asks for it all in ones and then counts it all while facing the camera
[at restaurant trying not to let anyone know I’m a koala]
Waiter: “what can I get u?”
“do u have any eucalyptus?”
*restaurant goes quiet*
Biggie Smalls: So what’s this thing?
Me: A shrink ray.
Smallie Smalls: Did it work?
Whenever I see a Toyota Prius pulled over for speeding the first thing I look for is a ACME rocket mounted on the roof.
*mother squirrel pulls her child away from the curb just as he’s about to cross the street* junior no! wait for a car to come
You, dumb: Can I ask you a question?
Me, brilliant linguist: That’s literally the only type of thing you can ask
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch just one video.
“Hello, Yes, This is Otter.”
Programming Skills: PRIMARILY RUBY AND PYTHON BUT I CAN USE ANY TYPE OF GEM TO CONTROL ANY TYPE OF SNAKE
Went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and I only spent $9,000.00
Yes, Firefox. I will abort the script but only to save the life of the web page.
It’s cute how people just rudely walk in front of my car like they don’t realize I’ll hit them and blame it on being an Asian driver.
No wine. No peace.
Know wine. Know peace.
3 eggs may not feed my family, but I found 2 boxes of cake mix and Mama ’bout to turn water into wine.
Blimey, it must be getting cold, just seen the postman in trousers.
Y’all ever flex on vampires by just walking into people’s homes uninvited
Netflix should double as a dating site and be like “here are 9 other singles in your area that watched LOST for the past 11 hours.”
Just cleaned out my desk.
Bad news: I apparently have 1,453 Sharpies and none of them are sharp.
Good news: I found the plane!