I will never feel sorry for people who complain about getting screwed in their divorce.

Hell, I can’t even get screwed in my marriage.

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I always eat the whole pizza cause I don’t like to half love anything.


Rice cakes have only 50 calories. But packing peanuts have 0 calories & they taste exactly the same.


4yo: Raise your hand if you are young
Me: *raises hand
4yo: No, daddy, not you.


HUSBAND: I can’t believe you’re in your 40s. You look so young.

ME: Nice try. You’re not getting the last piece of pizza.


WIFE: I’m leaving you

ME: oh no what happened?

WIFE: you don’t pay attention to me anymore

ME: this is awful I’ve been working so hard at this

WIFE: it doesn’t feel like you-

ME: it must not have saved!


ME: *pauses video game* I’m sorry what were you saying?


Don’t hand me the good china. That’s a leap of faith you’ll regret.


Kid behind me on plane kicking my chair and coloring.

*turns around*
*grabs one of his crayons*
*slowly breaks it*
*whispers “you’re next”*


[at a fancy restuarant]
WIFE: make sure u leave a good tip
ME: ok [writing on bill] “only evolve ur pokemon when uve activated a lucky egg”


I’m starting to think some of you are actually on Facebook.

You know we just joke about being Facebook right?