I always eat the whole pizza cause I don’t like to half love anything.
I will never feel sorry for people who complain about getting screwed in their divorce.
Hell, I can’t even get screwed in my marriage.
You Might Also Like
Rice cakes have only 50 calories. But packing peanuts have 0 calories & they taste exactly the same.
4yo: Raise your hand if you are young
Me: *raises hand
4yo: No, daddy, not you.
HUSBAND: I can’t believe you’re in your 40s. You look so young.
ME: Nice try. You’re not getting the last piece of pizza.
WIFE: I’m leaving you
ME: oh no what happened?
WIFE: you don’t pay attention to me anymore
ME: this is awful I’ve been working so hard at this
WIFE: it doesn’t feel like you-
ME: it must not have saved!
ME: *pauses video game* I’m sorry what were you saying?
Never lose touch with your inner Wednesday Addams.
Don’t hand me the good china. That’s a leap of faith you’ll regret.
Kid behind me on plane kicking my chair and coloring.
*grabs one of his crayons*
*slowly breaks it*
*whispers “you’re next”*
[at a fancy restuarant]
WIFE: make sure u leave a good tip
ME: ok [writing on bill] “only evolve ur pokemon when uve activated a lucky egg”
I’m starting to think some of you are actually on Facebook.
You know we just joke about being Facebook right?