I will never forget when my mom tried to use her cancer to get my sisters boyfriend of 7 years to propose by saying “don’t make me go to my oldest daughters wedding bald Steve” and he looked this woman dead in the eyes and responded “they make really good wigs now, Joan” ruthless
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Them: How long can you hold your breath?
Me: 20 years, apparently.
When people do a bunny impression they go straight for the cute little front paws. Not me. I fearfully sprint into traffic.
I used to be a person who couldn’t easily fall asleep, then I got divorced and now I sleep like a baby. Probably unrelated.
[On date]
Me: Duck! That’s my wife outside the restaurant
Her: What!? Your profile said “single dad!”
Me: Exactly. We’re a one dad family
need to find a better way to trick my dog into taking his medication bc the last 2 times he tricked me into taking it
911: What’s you’re emergency?
ME: You mean “your”?
911: OK. So..?
ME: Someone’s murdering me
911: You mean “murdered”
ME:..
911: [dial tone]
Melania Trump says her husband is “not Hitler.” That’s true. Hitler had a mustache and adult-sized hands.
I just checked Amazon again and they still don’t sell fire-breathing dragons. I’m a Prime member, this is bullshit.
My neighbor is a real douche & always cheating on his wife, so I changed my wifi to KARL IS CHEATING ON YOU AMY for when she needs my wifi.
The burrito I ate for lunch today just sent me a push notification.
The 2.0 in Twitter 2.0 stands for how many employees are left at Twitter.
I like to go to zen gardens and shout at things.
I once sprained my wrist flapping away too vigorously in a panic after I walked into a massive spider’s web. I told everybody I damaged my hand playing rugby
ME: I’ll have the pasta with mushroom, aka the fungus of the woods.
DATE: You know when you say it like that it’s not very appetizing.
ME: Oh, sorry! I’ll have the shrimp instead, aka the cockroach of the sea.
Me: All I want is for a man to bring me a rose-
Friend: Well, that’s not asking much.
Me: colored diamond.
[first day as a waiter]
Customer: We’ve been waiting forever.
Me: ME TOO.
I like my women like I like my amulets: cursed
bank account: $1400
me to a girl scout: give me the thick mints
I just made bacon for dessert, I’m not in the mood to be trifled with
[First Date]
Him: Great dress.
Me: Oh, this?*flips hair*
*twirls*
*skirt flares*
*foot catches*
*face plants*Him:
Me: Hey! Come back!
Psychology majors be like damn I can’t even be mad at you bc I know why you reacted the way you did
cops: we’re gonna test your blood for drugs
me: lol why? my blood didn’t do any drugs, i did
“I am a gift to this earth.”
[Earth regifts me]
“I am a gift to KELT-1b of the Andromeda Galaxy”
“I’m wet and have crabs.” That’s what sea said.
Hey, does anyone know how to stop eating chips?
I was so touched last week when a shopkeeper handed my 3yo a donut without checking with me, that today I gave his teen a bag of heroin.
[ Dracula opens freezer ]
Her: What are you doing with my tampons?
Dracula: Making popsicles
embarrassed bc i’m walking down the sidewalk and a rat is just like walking next to@me and it looks like we’re together
My favorite thing to say to old people is, “When I was your age I didn’t believe in reincarnation either”.
Me: [travels back in time but dies in the vacuum of space because I forgot to account for the earth’s orbit] ope!