My kid went to bed before 10pm tonight so I could go to bed early too and clearly something is about to cost me a lot of money.
You Might Also Like
If I’m ever on COPS it would be titled “When Suspects Attempt To Pet The Police Dog.”
Dads, when there’s 38 things to do before everyone is ready to leave: I’m going to go wait in the car.
Pretty sure HR is going to be paying me a visit, thanks to the CW that emailed to thank me for “all the services I provided them”.
To see someone’s true savage nature, you must observe them eat crab legs at a buffet.
“See you later alligator”
“In a whilst crocodile”
-why we fought the British for independence
DR: your IQ test results are abysmal
ME: is… is that good?
[after having one kid then having twins]
wife: we should have sexfibonacci: absolutely not
Dude that’s not a tire swing its a warning to other tires that trespass in my yard
I have got to start making popcorn before I login to Twitter to watch my shows
Started trying to hand out tiny umbrellas to neighborhood squirrels to help them beat the heat. So far, it’s a much bigger challenge than I thought.
Just learned that land on earth was covered in moss for 40 million years. Imagine getting to one million years of just moss thinking that you gotta be done with moss any day now and then you learn it’s 39 million more years of moss
*eggs your house on Halloween*
*pumpkins your house on Easter*
Cheesecake Factory to start reopening restaurants but they will only have a limited 413-page menu.
Life Hack: In any hipster coffee shop, say “You haven’t seen The Wire?” and in the ensuing commotion, leave without paying.
that colleague who touches your screen
My son rolls his eyes when I use his lingo and that’s why I continue to do so.
Texting while driving is incredibly stupid and dangerous. You’re practically begging for typos.
“just great, I’ve lost my house my wife is leaving and my kids hate me how can this day get any worse”
-A dinosaur, 66 million years ago
“Our guests often come for a week but stay for months.”
– The cruise industry, putting a positive spin on Covid-19.
I could pick up a Prius if there was a pizza trapped under it
I tried a non-alcoholic beer last night and I think I have discovered what my favorite ingredient in beer is.
STEP 1: Sign up for email newsletter
STEP 2: Receive email newsletter
STEP 3: Delete unread email newsletter for the rest of your life
Top three perverts that see you when you’re sleeping:
1. Santa.
2. God.
3. NSA.
Who called it a knock off designer watch and not a Fauxlex
Juliet: Wherefore art thou, Romeo-
Romeo: Cool fact: wherefore means why
Juliet: Well-
Romeo: So you’re asking why I am
Juliet:
Romeo [hand on her shoulder]: it’s because my dad banged my mom
My 4yo informed me that she was “less than not half way done” getting ready for school. My guess is she’ll be ready before I figure out what that means.
[making pigs in a blanket]
6-year-old: We can’t call them that. We have a pig.
Me: What should we call them?
6: Nobody you know in a blanket.
I don’t trust my arms or legs like I trust my hips
my hips don’t lie but but the rest of my body parts are bullshiters
Guy next to me is doing a crossword puzzle, so I’m about to start dropping some big words in case he wants to ask me for help
HOSTAGE: [on the phone] hey dad if i never see you again tell neil he still owes me forty bucks i don’t care if you keep it but i want it collected