I will never miss you, because I’m a really good shooter.

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*sees other guys posting photos of their abs*

*posts photo of me washing dishes*

*gets hit on by every woman on the internet*


My 3 moods:

1. I’m too tired for this shit
2. I’m too old for this shit
3. I’m too sober for this shit


You can learn a lot when your children start moving out. For example, you may go upstairs and learn that you no longer own a couch.


Side Effects May Include: upset stomach, diarrhea, a tail, some hooves, ok so you might turn into a horse


Paranoid? Nope. I’m just trying not to crash in case someone has replaced the airbag in my car with a boxing glove on a spring.


In case of a zombie apocalypse, I’m surrounding my house with treadmills.


This is absolutely my favourite thing written about #FyreFestival