*sees other guys posting photos of their abs*
*posts photo of me washing dishes*
*gets hit on by every woman on the internet*
I will never miss you, because I’m a really good shooter.
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My 3 moods:
1. I’m too tired for this shit
2. I’m too old for this shit
3. I’m too sober for this shit
Everyone is drunk except me.
– a horror story
You can learn a lot when your children start moving out. For example, you may go upstairs and learn that you no longer own a couch.
Side Effects May Include: upset stomach, diarrhea, a tail, some hooves, ok so you might turn into a horse
So we got a goldfish…
Paranoid? Nope. I’m just trying not to crash in case someone has replaced the airbag in my car with a boxing glove on a spring.
In case of a zombie apocalypse, I’m surrounding my house with treadmills.
Personal Trainer: No pain, no gain
This is absolutely my favourite thing written about #FyreFestival