I will never own a smart watch. I have enough things telling me what to do.
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“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take,” I whisper to myself as I hit send on that sixth unanswered text
Anyone know the second rule of fight club?
Her: My baby is 28 months old.
Me: Oh really? I’m 74 inches tall.
Not so fun when YOU have to do the math, is it?
I always carry a piece of paper with me, just in case someone tries to attack me with a rock.
My ex got engaged at Christmas but apparently responding to the news with “LOL” is “a representation of everything that is wrong with me.”
Quietly she fades away, drifting closer to nothingness.
Nothingness whispers, “I already have a girlfriend.”
If you have teenagers, the perfect spot to hide your alcohol is wherever you keep your cleaning supplies.
Text from FedEx: Your package will arrive last Saturday lololol
Wind chimes prevent the air from sneaking up on you.
“ANYWAY” — me when I’m about to keep talking about the thing I’ve been talking about for the last ten minutes
I used to love pretending I was Captain America and flinging a garbage can lid at kids in the neighborhood. But then my wife made me stop.
No one ever hated their job on a Friday!
COP: Do u know why I pulled u over?
ME: *looks at the penguin in my passenger seat* God damnit Ralph I told u to put ur seatbelt on.
“Mom, I’m an adult. There’s nothing left for you to show me.”
(*folds a fitted sheet*)
“TEACH ME YOUR SORCERY, LINEN WIZARD”
**both sitting at the pub having a beer**
Me: So. What’d you give up for Lent?
Friend: I gave up drinking.
Me:
Friend:
Me: No.
Friend: I gave up drinking standing up?
Me: Nicely done.
Friend: We should do shots to celebrate….
It’s not about how funny you are, it’s about how funny people think you are. And the majority of people are mentally retarded.
“Enter passcode to use Touch ID” – then what is the point of you Touch ID that lives on my iPad? WHY ARE YOU SO SCARED?
anti-tattoo people saying “my body’s a temple” like they wouldn’t worship at a temple that had an enormous mural of a tiger fighting a cobra
Interviewer : What are your expectations?
Me : Job.
Interviewer : I mean what do you want from this job?
Me : Salary
Whenever I’m alone, I like to dig a hole in my backyard, remove all my clothes, go inside that hole and pretend that I’m a carrot.
WIFE: Please stop.
ME: Stop what?
WIFE: Singing in the shower.
ME: What’s the big deal?
WIFE: You’re scaring everyone at Home Depot.
Cop: *Hands me ticket
“I’ll see you in court.”Me: *Seductively winks
“Sure is a lot of trouble just to see me again.”Cop: …
throwback to when the car insurance lady asked my mom for front, rear, & side views but she didn’t get the memo..
Grandma lied about girls being all over me once I got older
BlackBerry’s are great phones to have if you’re time traveling to 2005 and don’t want people to know you’re from the future.
GOD: there, my first animal 🙂
SNAKE:youre not done right? How am I supposed to move?
G:like this*shimmies*
S:
G:just kinda*shimmies*
S:dude
What’s the most upsetting moment in every movie? I say it’s when the hero goes into bar and orders “a beer,” never says what kind, and the bartender doesn’t ask
what doesn’t kill me should try again tomorrow
The toast is toasting in the toaster, because that’s where the toast toasts.
Everyone keeps returning to the same hypothetical. If loving you is wrong…
Bullshit.
What if loving you is gross? That’s the question.