@adamhess1

I will never tire of sending random messages like this to random numbers

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@solsayswhaaa

Me:[slathers self in butter]

Them: I said BETTER! Better yourself!

@Dawn_M_

Remember, your neighbours aren’t going to be attacked by killer bees on their own. You have to want it. You need to make it happen.

@IamEveryDayPpl

My dead husband has to report for jury duty. He just can’t catch a break.

@DocAtCDI

My wife and I are sitting on the couch watching tv and I hear a text, realizing I left my phone in the kitchen, I get up, go to the kitchen to check it…

and its a text from my wife:

Please bring the chips on your way back

@melibuff

Helping my daughter study for her geology exam, and apparently ‘hard’ ‘classic’ and ‘punk’ AREN’T the 3 different types of rock.

Who knew.

@fro_vo

orange in the 60s, mus in the 70s, poon in the 80s, wu in the 90s. – the history of tang

@ohwrigley

Mommy? Does Barbie come with Ken? No dear, she comes with G.I. Joe, she fakes it with Ken.

@webofevil

Genuinely stunned France has adopted the word “wifi” rather than “le signal librement accessible sans l’utilisation de fils” or some shit.

@sofarrsogud

FRIEND. My daughter just hates her job
ME: My dogter loves hers
F: You mean dau..
ME: *shows her a pic of a puppy in scrubs* She’s a dogtor