I’m voting for Bernie Sanders based all on the fact that His fried chicken rules
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I’m sorry that your Facebook personality quiz matched you up with a rice cake.
ME: *movie trailer voice* coming this summer…
WIFE: not if you keep that shit up.
*Texts*
Can I come over bae?
I need you. <3*Gets reply text*
DUDE, STOP CALLING ME THAT. I’M YOUR DEALER NOT YOUR BAE. BRING CA$H!
Family gonna ask what i brought to thanksgiving this year.. Ima say beef & swing on my cousin
*elbows date in ribs*
“see that asterisk next to the ‘have it your way’ slogan?”
where it says “within reason?”
“that’s because of me”
People who say they don’t have a mean bone in their body haven’t had their back go out on them.
I was raised to be humble which I excel at cause I excel at everything.
when ppl hold the baby and the baby cries & parents say “oh he’s just tired,” we’re lying, the baby really does hate you
all toddlers look the same when telling a story
My kid keeps talking about his preschool “road trip” and I’m not sure a visit to an apple orchard has ever been described in that way
colleges: i’m going to put you in so much debt you can’t even breathe
also colleges: *teary voice* what do you mean you won’t donate to our alumni fund
Homeschooling day 3
Lessons finished hours ago and the kids are still here, do I just put them outside and hope someone collects them or…
I tried to check your drinking water for quality and freshness. Next time please warn me when it’s sparkly water that will bite my nose holes
“Everyone give us money in case something happens and when something happens we’ll call you a liar.”
-insurance
*Hands girl a card that says Be Mine*
Girl: Aw that’s so sweet
*Pulls out a pickaxe*
Me: Come on, do it I need some iron ASAP lady!
I can’t hold my breath to swim to the other side of the pool but I suddenly have Michael Phelps lungs to get away from someone coughing.
I wish they’d stop turning movies into musicals and make them ice shows instead.
I’d pay good money to see “The Godfather on Ice.”
Terrified to visit my girlfriend’s small town for the holidays because I’m a workaholic from a big city and everyone keeps trying to teach me the true meaning of Christmas.
EARTH: *celebrates her 50th Earth Day*
BILLIONAIRES: *start eyeing younger planets*
Give me a few strong men, and I’ll build a nation. Give me a few hot women, and I’ll conquer the world.
wife: Can’t we just buy a bigger catflap?
me: [buttering the cat] We’re not made of money, Karen
Why do I have so many emails?
I don’t mean mail, I mean addresses.
BREAKING NEWS: Due to the horrible conditions at Sochi, the Olympics have been moved to a much safer place.. Chernobyl.
director: it’s a really cute movie about a deer and his mother
disney: sounds great, let’s add murder
CHILD: I thought you liked Froot Loops.
TOUCAN SAM: *eating an egg salad sandwich he brought from home* Look, kid, it’s just a job.
Ouiji boards are a little less intimidating knowing they’re from Hasbro.
ROBOT TEENAGER: I’m grounded?? That’s so unfair! *You’ve* been smoking for years!
ROBOT DAD: How dare y– That is a medical condition!!
Ran into my ex on the street. He’s got a hot wife & 2 kids. I have a taco in my hand. And one in my purse. And an emergency taco in my coat.
nobody:
90’s boybands:
(-(-_(-_-)_-)-)
I had a pretty confused childhood because I thought obituaries are actually advertisements selling dead people.