Me:[slathers self in butter]
Them: I said BETTER! Better yourself!
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Remember, your neighbours aren’t going to be attacked by killer bees on their own. You have to want it. You need to make it happen.
My dead husband has to report for jury duty. He just can’t catch a break.
My wife and I are sitting on the couch watching tv and I hear a text, realizing I left my phone in the kitchen, I get up, go to the kitchen to check it…
and its a text from my wife:
Please bring the chips on your way back
Helping my daughter study for her geology exam, and apparently ‘hard’ ‘classic’ and ‘punk’ AREN’T the 3 different types of rock.
orange in the 60s, mus in the 70s, poon in the 80s, wu in the 90s. – the history of tang
alcohol soaked fruit is still considered fruit though right
Mommy? Does Barbie come with Ken? No dear, she comes with G.I. Joe, she fakes it with Ken.
Genuinely stunned France has adopted the word “wifi” rather than “le signal librement accessible sans l’utilisation de fils” or some shit.
FRIEND. My daughter just hates her job
ME: My dogter loves hers
F: You mean dau..
ME: *shows her a pic of a puppy in scrubs* She’s a dogtor