@HoarseWisperer

I will never understand the people who wait in a long line, finally arrive at the register and then act like they’ve been caught off guard by the requirement that they produce some form of currency for their purchase.

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@TheToddWilliams

[Morgan Freeman voice] Isolated from his group, this penguin will not survive

[penguin voice] Hey dude, I can hear you.

@BlindChow

“I have a particular set of spills,” Liam Neeson says, eyeing his soiled shirt.
He looks for a napkin but the last one’s already been Taken.

@DanMentos

[taking FRIENDS quiz]

7. Which character do you most identify with?

Ross

8. Which is your least favorite character?

Ross

@DainWins

[Driving w/date in car]

Date [turns radio to country]

Me [reaches over date, opens passenger door] This isn’t working. [Hits eject button]

@missekay

*watches soccer*

*watches soccer*

*watches soccer*

*watches soccer*

*has to pee*

*watches soccer*

*gets up to pee*

*misses goal*

:/

@hippieswordfish

You can’t believe it’s not butter? Buddy, almost everything is not butter

@ULTRAGLOSS

running away to greece is ok. sleeping with 3 men in one summer is ok. not knowing which one of them is the father of ur daughter is ok. encountering the 3 of them at her wedding is ok. only communicating through abba songs is ok. do whatever u need to do to cope.

@ibid78

He died doing what he loved: checking to see if wolves are ticklish.

@Book_Krazy

Sure sex is great but have you ever turned off the news?