@HoarseWisperer

I will never understand the people who wait in a long line, finally arrive at the register and then act like they’ve been caught off guard by the requirement that they produce some form of currency for their purchase.

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@bobvulfov

ME: does this apartment have a pizza cellar
REALTOR: again, i dont know what that is

@Nonnie_Linda

Sitting here eating blueberries

wondering if my brain is improving

Doubt it…..

took too long to spell doubt

@Mom_Overboard

What do you mean you don’t like Mountain Dew?! Do you even think about the Appalachian children, setting out before sunrise each morning, climbing high to collect the finest dew from the finest mountains? No, you only think about yourselves.

@JohnLyonTweets

Customer next to me at pharmacy counter: What are you taking those for?

Me: To control my homicidal rage at nosy people.

Customer: …

@dafloydsta

[in a crowded elevator]

ME: *loudly* THE ELEVATOR WAS INVENTED BY DARTH’S LESSER KNOWN SISTER, ELE.

@deegeemindi

My mom told me not to hang out with bad girls, she never said don’t be one.

@ChaseMit

Just saw a guy riding a skateboard, holding a surfboard. Dunno where he’s going but I assume there’s Mountain Dew there.

@KeetPotato

[guy driving the same kia waves as he passes us]
son: why did that man wave at you
me: because we’ve both made the same mistakes in life son

@chiekshere

[waffle house]
Waitress: how do u like your eggs
Me: hatched and with their families
W: no how do u like them cooked
M: [spits out coffee]

@smeagolsfree

Girl, are you a barnacle? Because you suck and I can’t get you off my boat