I will not buy ornamental gourds this year!
I WILL NOT BUY GOURDS!*buys all the gourds (and a hay bale)
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The next time I accidentally wear a red shirt to target I’m just gonna tell everyone there is a sale on deer meat in isle six
If you can’t be with the dog you love, pat the dog you’re with.
Please stop calling it carpal tunnel syndrome. It sounds pathetic and weak . What I have is gamer stigmata
I talk a lot of shit for a girl with a blankie.
Matilda could move things with her mind and she could do it without getting a goddamn nosebleed, it burned absolutely no energy for her no matter how heavy the object, therefore she could absolutely destroy Eleven in a schoolyard telekinesis battle. In this essay I will
Husband: We need to stop spending so much money.
Me: *fluffing the pillows on the dogs’ new paw patrol beds* not sure what you mean by that but okay.
Boss: Did you get my email?
Me: Yes. It had italics, all-caps, and highlighting and I had no idea how to prioritize that information.
why do only doctors get a special hammer for beating people with. I should be allowed to have one of these too
WIFE: *spells out words so the kids won’t know what she is saying*
ME: [to the kids] I don’t know either.
wife: are you still reading that stupid dorothy and scarecrow wizard of oz fan fiction
me: i’ll have you know 50 shades of hay is a true literary masterpiece
Never kick a porcupine wearing flip flops. Cause they’re obviously on vacation and why ruin their holiday?
I found a spider in my shoes. He looks ridiculous, they’re way too big for him.
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
[job interview]
“Have any questions?”
Think the 3 Little Pigs hired the Big Bad Wolf to blow their houses down to collect insurance money?
I gave up my ambition to be a wizard after I accidentally turned a frog into a corporate advertising executive.
HIM: I eat guys like you for breakfast.
ME: I don’t underst—it’s 2:15, you can’t have breakfast now.
HIM: No, like, I’m threatening you.
ME: For tomorrow?
Boss: why’d you leave early?
Me: you said cease the day
Boss: yes I said seize the day
Me:
Boss:
It is the year 2047. After making a movie based on every single one of its theme park rides, Disney is forced to make a movie about the line for the Disney World bathroom.
To provide better customer service, we’ve put a chat bot on our site to make sure you’re hung in an infinite loop without solving the problem, buried our phone number, & staffed our phone lines with people who follow a notebook flow chart before dropping your call
–companies
My ex texted “You’ve got a friend in me. XoXo”.
I thought she was being too nice until I realized that she was talking about my buddy Dave.
Fertility group: We need some brochures about some really serious topics.
Graphic designer who is a birder on the weekend: You got it, chief.
How do you even keep up with current trends if you don’t have a teenager in your life to ridicule your choices?
My husband just asked me “what are you eating now?” He’s officially declared war
Social media’s ruined everything. If I saw a dead body on my walk home my first thought would be to take a pic and caption it “Mood”
don’t date writers. they will send you their screenplay after a day of talking and it’s like OH now I have homework???
Boss: also, a reminder that if you find a USB outside, do not bring it into the workplace
Me: *writing notes* international bees only
Me: *quits life and moves into a pillow fort*
Them: You need to live in the present.
Me: *covers fort in wrapping paper*
I went from “easy peasy lemon squeezy” to “messy distressy lemon zesty” in ten years.
When my wife gets upset at me I sneak into her Netflix profile and give thumbs up to the most boring documentaries
If dogs take after their owners, I need to work on my posture.