@ericsshadow

I WILL NOT click on your tinyurl link, no matter what people are saying about me.

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@TheAlexNevil

When I say things are going swimmingly, it’s important to note that I can’t swim.

@13spencer

There’s nothing funnier than a grown man aggressively dancing at somebody.

@dixinormus10

I didn’t think it was possible to travel 10 years back in time until I got into an argument with my wife.

@dorsalstream

[kids fighting in the back seat]
ME: I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL PULL OVER AND START A PODCAST RIGHT NOW IF YOU 2 DON’T CUT IT OUT.

@Reverend_Scott

Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, a monkey, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.

@Divergentmama

I can’t be certain, but pretty sure I just heard the dishwasher scream “please no more” when I walked in to the kitchen.

@AristotlesNZ

Wife: Maybe its time for “the talk”
Me: Ok. Son, cops can’t bust you for the drugs you’ve done, just the drugs you have.
Her: Not that talk!

@Adam14

My new bowflex comes tomorrow…so if anyone wants to buy a slightly used bowflex in a couple months let me know.

@LosLos__

My Wife’s nickname for me is “Microsoft” because I’m good with computers.

RIGHT HONEY?

Hold on guys, she’s not done laughing.