i will not close my account until the sport of golf is rightfully named “golfball” like the other ball sports
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[someone kicks a dumpster out of anger]
ME (from inside): Who is it?
This BMI chart says I’m starting to get too short, how do I fix this?
Boss: You’re looking a little scruffy lately, you need a trim.
Me: Sorry, I don’t shave too often because of the razor burn.
(later, shaving)
Razor: LOL you call that a beard? My grandma has more chin hair than that, you suck!
Confuse people by affixing “but not necessarily at this juncture” to the end of each sentence.
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
air hand dryers are afraid of people and when you put your hands near them, well, thats them screaming.
[1st date]
date: …you said you had abs
me: [squints] everyone has abdominal muscles, Susan
[Ghost flies in while I’m changing my top]
GHOST: Booooooo-OH sorry
ME: It’s fine, go on
GHOST: [shielding eyes] No I’ll come back later
cashier: “would you like to donate to fight hunger?”
me: “oh, hunger wants to rumble?”
*dip knuckles in syrup & then in Cheerios
“im ready”
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: electric windows?
Me, taps window: glass
Customer: break horse power?
Me: oh yeah, this will smash a horse to bits
Customer: 4 wheel drive?
Me, quickly counts: yup
Customer: manual?
Me: in the glove box
5-year-old: Why are we here?
Me: Philosophers still don’t know
5: No, why are we HERE
Wife: Your dad is lost and won’t ask for directions
If a bear confronts you in the woods, make it go away by handing it a flyer for your boyfriend’s band’s show.
me: return of the mack.
cashier: receipt of the mack?
[job interview]
“Do you have any addictions or habits that we should know about?”
*takes long drag from cigarette*
Not that I’m aware of.
I accidentally opened a survey and tried to close it. I got a message that said “please answer survey!”
You need to slow your roll there survey.
“I totally nailed that guy” – Roman soldiers
Me: *trying to swallow a pill for 30 minutes* I’ve done it. Nope. It’s still in my mouth.
Morpheus: You probably aren’t the One.
*Victorian letters to Santa*
My dearest Santa,
I trust this letter finds you well. We have had an exciting season with 7 family members succumbing to consumption.
*8 more pages of socially-accepted bigotry against every other nationality & poor people*
I would like an orange.
What light through yonder window breaks…
Oh, wow, the sun really shows up how dirty the glass is!
Diet starts today.
I need to lose about 3 years.
Hi, I’m Suki. And I just turned the volume down because it was getting too cold in my car.
It’s fine when the cat looks like this. Hell it’s actually good.
wife *buying dinosaur balloons*
clerk: Is it someone’s birthday? *smiles at toddler*
wife: It is
clerk: How old?
wife: 35
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
lifeguard pulling me to shore: what
I don’t have emotional baggage , I have got a small carry on griefcase
Stop and smell the roses. Hug the roses. Procreate with the roses. Have little rose babies.
[carnival]
ME: How do I win?
CARNIE: Just knock all the bottles off the table
ME: Ok *pulling out my cat*
CARNIE: Oh shi-
I didn’t choose this melted cheese and tortilla chip life, it na-chose me
ME: need help?
GIRL (having car trouble): could u give me a jump
ME: *inflating the bounce house I keep in my trunk* I thought u’d never ask
I don’t usually talk to strangers but when I do its because I’m at the zoo and someone called a tortoise a turtle.