@dril

i will not close my account until the sport of golf is rightfully named “golfball” like the other ball sports

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@samdunsiger

Let me make something perfectly clear.

– Anyone who has washed a window

@Alex_LaVallee

HUGE shout out to Will Smith!

With out him we never would have survived the alien attack in ’96.

Happy Independence Day!

@AmyLondon

@funTweeters TIL:The phrase “I plead the fifth” comes from the minimum volume of alcohol one can blame for committing the alleged infraction

@mynameshank

Super productive day, I took down all of my neighbor’s outdoor Christmas decorations.

@withanewname

“Doc, it’s embarrassing, but I don’t feel sexy.”

“Try wearing the wife’s panties.”

“Really?”

“Yeah, the red ones with the lace are nice”

@AndrewChamings

(god creating crows) black. blacker! little beady eyes. deathly squawk
angel: what if there’s a bunch of them
god: MURDER
angel: you ok pal?

@sixfootcandy

Him: Let’s go out tonight.

Me: It’s a work night and very late.

Him: It’s 5:00PM on a Friday.

Me: I’M EXHAUSTED. WHY CAN’T YOU HAVE AN AFFAIR LIKE MY FRIEND’S HUSBANDS?

@ryangriffiths

CAPS LOCK ON

caps lock off

CAPS LOCK ON

caps lock off

– Mr Miyagi [2014]

@MsCassieDaniels

A cat is the animal equivalent of the girl who hated you for no reason in high school.