@MyHairyLife

I will not eat a donut.
I will not eat a donut.
I will not eat…

I will not eat a third donut.
I will not eat a third donut.

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@SpankMeIm0ty

At the rate I’m throwing shit out as I pack to move there’s a strong possibility not all the kids will make it to the new house

@FredTaming

chicken: [stamps out cigarette] have you even once considered that THIS is the other side of the road?

@sassy__cat6

My 10yo said when they’re mean to people they miss recess.

A lot of you need to miss recess.

@LADaddy

I just turned my desktop keyboard upside down, shook it, and a taco salad fell out.

At least it tasted like a taco salad.

@FrazzleMyGimp

[before electricity was invented]

ME: [presses hand dryer]

GUY IN THE WALL: [deep inhale]

@squirrel74wkgn

[at the store]

Me: Your powers are weak, old man
Wife: …
Me: The force is strong with this one
Wife: …
Me: Together we can rule the galaxy
Wife: …
Me: Luuuuuuuke, I am your father
Wife: Can you just pick out a damn fan already?

@ch000ch

[wakes up from a 15 year coma] sweet, x files still goin strong

@iamTannenbaum

[Christopher Columbus arriving in Hell]

Columbus: I’m the first person here! I discovered this!