“I will not have my voice silenced! This is censorship! This is against the constitution!”
“But sir. This is a library.”
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What scares me most about being stranded on a desert island is having to figure out how to make all the ingredients for nachos from scratch.
If you live in the U.S., date someone in Australia. That way when they dump you it will be tomorrow, and you don’t have to deal with it yet.
Obama says he supports gay marriage because his views have “evolved.” Republicans unsure which half of the sentence to get more angry about.
Sorry random child at the playground that my daughter just invited to her birthday party 4 months from now. It’s never going to happen.
Good thing Father’s Day is only one day. I don’t think I could stand to be a father longer than that.
4: *hands me a broken toy*
Me: oh no, I’ll see if I can fix it
4: ok but be careful next time
Me:
I was having a rough day so my wife suggested we make bread dough together.
I kneaded that.
What’s the fetish called when you can only get off if Gordon Ramsey is yelling at you that your risotto is garbage?
waiter: can i show you to the table
me: sure
waiter: here he is
table: [unimpressed noises]
I don’t often get suspicious,but squirrels rubbing their tiny hands together? I worry they won the lottery & hired a good hit & run attorney
Cop: Do you understand your rights?
NASCAR driver: My what
Nothing like spending 20 minutes of your day trying to recreate a fart sound your chair made to prove to your coworkers it wasn’t you.
My walk of shame is spending 10 minutes trying to pronounce something at a Mexican restaurant before giving up and ordering tacos.
DATE: This is my first time at a French restaurant
ME: I feel like I’ve been here once before
DATE: Are you having deja vu?
ME: No I’m having the chicken
People who have drive and determination impress me. Yesterday one of my kitchen drawers got stuck and I was like, guess I’m never using a fork again.
*posts “Glitter is my favorite color”*
*sits back to smirk while 347 strangers tell me glitter isn’t a color*
BRUCE WAYNE: [enters meeting room still wearing Batman cape] what’s first today?
NEW GUY: OMG Bruce Wayne is Bat-
INTERN: [covering new guy’s mouth] we pretend we don’t know
This “band-aid” is bugging me 🤣
me: “i taught the dog to bark when someone lies”
wife: “i dont care about that, do you like my haircut?”
me: [slowly covers the dog’s ears]
Whoever has my voodoo doll can you give it a job
Have you ever stopped & thought about how there are hundreds of millions of really nice suits just buried underground?
There’s a certain kind of voodoo involved when it takes forever to lose 5 pounds, and only one cupcake to gain it back.
Mother: A carrot is just a vegan hotdog.
*son looks at carrot*
Mother: [desperate] Bugs Bunny eats them!
Son: This is updoc.
Mother: What’s-
[watching Ratatouille]
me: I think I could do thather: be a chef?
me: be manipulated by an animal
“Face my fears?” Lol what am I, brave?
*gives up being Catholic for Lent*
God: damn it… they’ve found the loophole
*Asteroid is hurtling toward Earth*
ESPN Broadcaster: This asteroid could have an enormous impact on the playoffs.
“You probably can’t even tell, but there was an incident with the shower curtain”
[first date]
her : where do you see yourself in next 10 years?
me : at our daughter’s piano recital
Sometimes you need to hug someone out…
…cold.