I will not kill my coworkers
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not….Maybe just one…
You Might Also Like
Caught my girlfriend having sex with an abstract artist. He said “it’s not what it looks like”
“I’m sorry”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━0:06
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁ 5%“…but”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━━70:28:54
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁▂▃▄▅▆▇ 100%
You had me at “she’s the one,” but lost me at “officer.”
This is the most 2017 thing I’ve ever seen.
Waitress: Is everything ok?
Me: WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD?
I’d pay someone to push me out of pictures when I’m drunk.
Do furries go to doctors or vets?
You: Feeling cute. Might delete later.
Everyone: Please
Friend: “This is the year I’m going to marry my best friend.”
Me: “This is the year I’m going to train my dog to come when I call him.”
Just ordered Dominos while at Dominos because I need a ride home.
Maternity.
Sounds like you’re going to be pregnant forever.
Things drunk me has in common with toddlers:
– no idea where my shoe is
– demands McDonalds
– won’t shut up about dinosaurs
– not allowed to have a whistle
If you have streaks of purple, green or blue in your hair, I will try to eat that cotton candy off your head until you tell me to stop.
[mom and pop shop]
Me: *sniffling* one mom please
I would have become a Hare Krishna
if only I had the chants.
“It looks like you’re in the middle of a workout.”
– My passive-aggressive Apple Watch as I walk across a parking lot to my car
Doctors penmanship is so poor because they’re actually making fun of you to the pharmacist
What’s the point of making people like Paul McCartney and Elton John knights if they’re not going to joust?
16 yo me: *about to take math final* You got this.
26 yo me: *about to run a marathon* You got this.
36 yo me: *about to start a movie after 8pm* You got this.
Get the body you always wanted this summer. Go grave-robbing.
Sprayed a spider with some Davidoff Cool Water & it didn’t die. Now I’m just stuck with a spider that I wanna bang.
After years of experiments, I have concluded that lighting a stranger’s cigarette is the only time you can flirt with someone by setting fire to one of their possessions.
[out to eat with in-laws]
Me: Waiter, your cheapest bottle of champagne
Wife: Hey these are my parents
Me: Waiter, 4 glasses of tap water
How much for the Ice Cream Scoop?
Ma’am, that’s a Shovel.
Instead of mistletoe, I should hang up green citrus fruits.
..so when I stand under them, I’ll feel sublime.
Guys I’ve run some math on it and this whole Santa business is truly bananas.
Post that you’re pregnant on facebook: 88 likes and 31 comments.
Tweet that you’re pregnant on twitter: 2 stars and 491 unfollows
Son, there’s no need for a paternity test. I knew you were mine when you came prematurely.
Costco ….
Because you never know when your
aquarium could explode ….and you really need those 96 rolls
of paper towels.
One time, my dad accidentally made himself a sandwich with catfood. He thought it was liverwurst. When I asked him what he thought the cat on the packaging was all about, he said “I thought that was for decoration“