godspeed to the man who just told his girlfriend “there’s no need to get so emotional” in the baby clothes section of the supermarket
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coworker: what do u think happens after we die
me: when I die, nothing
coworker: what about when I die
me: I get arrested
I’m working on my second million, since I failed so much at the first.
A Mexican stand-off, but it’s 3 Canadians each trying to pay the bill and they all have to pee
[at work]
Carl, did you get naked when you used the bathroom?
*standing there with his shirt & pants on backwards*
“No…why do you ask?”
In hell, your mouth is always freshly brushed & minty, and all they have to drink is orange juice.
My perfect date would be a hike in the mountains, and her telling me all about it when she gets back.
Nobody was healthier than my vegan, gluten-free friend Chad until the day that baby squirrel beat him to death.
Our new dog has her first training class today where she will hopefully learn to stop dislocating my shoulder when she sees a squirrel on our walks.
Had to do 3 cartwheels, a backflip and a verse of “Killing Me Softly” to turn on this automatic sink.
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
I’m so hungry I could eat an apple
I asked what she wanted for her birthday and she said she’d like anything I picked out for her and I’ve never been more afraid.
Angry like someone who’s gone three straight spoonfuls of raisin bran without getting a raisin.
I keep a length of dental floss inside my perpetually furrowed brow.
[spending entire date hiding the fact I’m really a beaver]
“ow”
what’s wrong?
“I got a splinter”
may I see?
“I guess so”
delicious
“pardon?”
true crime documentaries are like “nobody suspected the husband until they found the life insurance policy”
Nephew: What’s love?
Me: Well, all the women text you except the one you like. And it hurts, so we drink.
Sister: Get away from him!
It’s hilarious to me when people say “give it the old college try”. Nowhere on earth did I try less.
Number of times husband has insisted a puzzle piece is missing: 434
Actual puzzle pieces missing so far: 0
Canadian Army training is 6 weeks of learning how to throw a snowball.
As a seasoned negotiator, I’ve created a complex list of demands that my children must complete before I’ll buy myself a foosball table. I mean buy them a foosball table
i bring a card table with me where I go for thanksgiving in case the host’s furniture is too heavy to flip
Just been on a date with a dentist. It went well and she says she’d like to see me again in six months.
It’s only a matter of time before the zombies are afraid to eat our brains because we’re such idiots.
Have kids so you can start your day with questions like, “mom, why do people clean toilets?”
people will say “oh i love the vaccine” and then only get it once or twice
My superpower is acting like I’m trying to stop the elevator from shutting when more people are trying to get on without really stopping it.
You know how dogs think, when you leave, that you’re never coming back? That’s how I feel when I leave the house for work every morning.
Sure Xfinity internet service is overpriced and spotty but you can’t put a price on unintentionally being dropped from every Zoom meeting.
I love how this generation broke the previous misconception that “people with tattoos can’t get good jobs” and now we all agree that “people with and without tattoos can’t get good jobs”.