@zachv86

I will not mess up this omelet..

I will not mess up this omelet..

I will not mess up this omelet..

I will enjoy my scrambled eggs.

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@caperbc75

Sorry my seductive strip tease to Janet Jackson’s Black Cat blew your Grandma’s pacemaker and caused your Mom to divorce your Dad.

@propapergirl

Dear God, make me a bird. So I can fly real high and then shit on people.

@Hobo_Splendido

All these years you thought your grandma had Alzheimers, and turns out she just didn’t want to talk to you.

@duplicitron

I do shrugs at the gym with like 400 pounds just to show everyone how hard I don’t care.

@GoldenSpirals

‘Twas the night before Christmas,
and everyone knew,

you were still out shopping,
yes, it sucks to be you.

@SammySkinns

Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.

@mjkspeaks

[at ER]
ME: my stomach hurts.
DOC: have you been able to eat anything today?
ME: yeah, like 75 pieces of pizza.

@msdanifernandez

Did you guys hear about the football player who hits women? No the other one. No the other one.