Don’t be rude, if the person in front of you in the Starbucks line isn’t concentrating, sweep the leg, step over them and keep the line moving
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My Fitbit was delivered today. It’s still sitting in the mailbox because I don’t want to walk all the way out there.
Me: I can’t work today. There’s a huge ball of fire emitting deadly radiation.Boss: You can’t skip work because it’s sunny.
My toddler eats with her right hand but is ambidextrous when it comes to total destruction.
The people in this spin class are looking at me like they’ve never seen a girl with a helmet before.
Can’t believe todays Wordle was UPDOG.
Person: I’ll listen to the conference call today if you will (do a different task). Deal?
Me: Okay fine but don’t come crying to me later all “My soul! It’s gone! I traded away my soul!”
Person: *laughing*
Boys who wear sports jerseys are just cosplaying athletes but no one is ready to have that conversation yet.
My lucky number is 17 so I’m really hoping that 2017 is finally going to be my year. Otherwise, I’ll have to change my lucky number again.
I texted 8 on his iPad and asked him to call me and he said “I don’t have app for that” and I said USE A PHONE and he said “oh” and this is who’s supposed to take care me me when I’m old.
I sat down beside this guy in a diner, every time he went to take a bite of his sandwich I’d say nomnomnom. He left. Making friends is hard.
[Club]
Him: You want to dance?
Her: *Giggling* Ok
Him: *Scowling* Well go on then
Plan “T” is going to work out, I have a good feeling about this one.
NOW HIRING: An employee
JOB REQUIREMENTS: 96 years experience already working at this job you’re applying for
daughter: what are you making me for lunch?
wife: your dad’s making your lunch
daughter: did I do something wrong?
Therapist: ‘Strange. Weird. Odd.’
Me: ‘Am I paying for this?’
Ok people, they don’t need to see your car from space- it might be time to tone down those headlights a little bit.
When the cops are at your door have on a cape, carry a wand, and tell them you’re a magician when they ask how your boyfriend disappeared.
6yo: Mommy, I hope you don’t have the doctor cut your belly open to get the baby out.
4yo: Yeah, hopefully they just do the way where they squeeze it out.
Me: I’m not sure either of you really understands how labor and delivery works.
Slapping the TV remote on your knee extends the battery life.
It’s science.
I explained how Pac-Man works to my kids, and apparently 4 ghosts constantly chasing someone is a terrifying story to 4yos.
Her: I can’t cook because, I “believe” I can’t cook. And you want to know what makes me believe that?
Me: The arrival of the paramedics?
Me: *reads a lot, has many books, all things considered, a book person*
Person: So, what’s your favourite book?
Me: I cannot think of one book that I have read. I have never read a single book. What are books?
employee: should I restock the vegetables
manager: why aren’t you using the time-saving code words from my training
employee: fine, should I *air quote fingers* reproduce
If you say “guess who died?” with a big smile on your face some people get kinda angry.
“Doesn’t it feel good to Payless?” no, i want to be rich & shop at good stores
living with roommates is fun because you get to learn what their parents think should be refrigerated
He wanted to role play, then got all mad when I acted like a prohibitionist and banned sex.
My neighbor bought a fancy ride-on mower for a quarter-acre backyard. That’s like buying a motorcycle you only ride to the mailbox.
I need a hobby. I’ve been over on Insta, commenting ‘what kind of dog is this?’ On people’s bird pics.
Horror reviews are my favorite thing because they’ll be like “This book is vile. It gave me mono and siphoned all the gas from my car. It is a literal cursed object and I don’t feel safe around it. Five huge stars.”