You know when someone’s all “ugh this smells terrible” and they want you to smell it too? That’s what sharing political news is like lately.
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HOT SINGLES HAVE MIGRATED AWAY FROM YOUR AREA DUE TO CLIMATE CHANGE
When I left for work this morning, the dog begged me to stay and the cat handed me my keys.
I was gonna post a picture of my breakfast but I can’t get the gummy bears to sit up straight.
Boss: you look a bit lost
Me: Yeah, sometimes I really wish I’d listened to you
Boss: About what
Me: Dunno. I wasn’t listening
Things more likely to kill you than Ebola:
– choking on a wheat thin
– erotic asphyxiation
– falling off the toilet
– a duck with a gun
“Captain, I do believe a larger vessel might be in order.”
–Jaws, dubbed for England
“if you had to pick only one musical group to strand on a desert island, which would be the most appropriate to do that to?”
“maroon 5”
My boss is coming to my grandad’s funeral tomorrow.
He said, after his 3 previous funerals he personally wants to see him go in the ground
the #horror is real!
cute date idea: we go to home depot, you keep a lookout for security while I grab some of the plants they keep outside, we casually walk away with 2-7 new fruit trees
You people that are getting laid regularly either need to keep that stuff to yourselves or be more descriptive.
One of my foster dogs chewed up my credit card and now my husband wants to keep him
My god, horses chased me for 5 minutes.
Most terrifying carousel ride ever.
We found Max..
#MyFebruaryAccomplishment
I’LL SAY WHEN I’VE HAD ENOUGH! KEEP ‘EM COMING, BARTENDER!!
*handing me another espresso*
The term is barista, ma’am.
A friend of mine is thankful she won a position on the PTA board and now we can’t be friends.
What if I just start doing things that make me happy? Nahhhh can’t dispose of that many dead bodies.
*weather drops 2 degrees*
me: it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas
Whenever someone tells me they have an IQ of 140, I wonder if that’s Fahrenheit or centigrade.
Screamed from the other room for somebody to bring me toilet paper only to be ignored.
Olive Garden wasn’t lying. When you’re here, you really are family.
Me: I have the body of a pro wrestler.
Her: OMG I love The Rock.
Me: Oh, totes, but what are your feelings on sumo?
I’m smoking about a pack of Canadian Wildfires a day
Photoshop is turning 25 years old this week. Actually, it’s 35 but just looks 25.
WIFE: why do we even need a gun in the house
ME: *fires off 8 rounds just to kill a spider* that’s why
[park]
STRANGER: Your dog is unusual lookingME: Yeah, he’s interbred
DUCK: [waddles up] I’ll tell you who else is into bread
help! watched my son get a mullet, and now I can’t stop singing Achy Breaky Heart.
“STOP TELLING ME WHAT TO DO”, I yell to my 5 year old.
[6 month dentist visit]
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Every 6 months
Sex so bad the Oompa Loompas sang a song about it.
I told my 6yo that if he was tidying up the living room that he didn’t need to go straight to bed. He spent 10 minutes tidying up and thinks I let him stay up later. Looks like we both won tonight.