I will piledrive the next kid who puts on a shitty movie then leaves the room.
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GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: make math go away
GENIE: ha ok that one’s on the house
ME: oh so I still get three wishes?
GENIE: huh?
lieutenant: we did it, after all these years we caught the floppy disk bandit
officer: lol wtf is a floppy disk
floppy disk bandit: *intense sobbing*
Newspapers are cool because you can cut out eye holes and spy on people. Try that with an iPad.
*thousands of puppies flooding onto the battlefield*
General: “STAY STRONG, MEN!”
*soldiers just petting puppies everywhere*
My wife calls it “silent treatment”. I call it “attractive disagreement period”.
I use italics as a form of revenge. Being a writer has ruined my posture, so I’m going to do the same to these words.
The only thing longer than a minute left on the microwave is a minute on the treadmill.
person sitting next to me on a plane: [nervously] how often do planes crash
me: usually once
[a person I want to be friends with so bad offers me a cigarette]
Me: oh I love these!
Them: *goes to light it for me*
Me: *already eating it*
swallowing a bunch of popcorn kernels before getting xrayed
The flight attendant has said “..and one in the rear” 3 times now and I’m Paul. I’m 12 years old.
I bet nobody noticed Superman flying around at first, so Clark just started pointing out every bird and plane until it caught on
Wife: you’ve been a naughty boy *peels off clothes* You need to be punished
Me: yes, I do!
Wife: do the laundry
Dipping your cats in blue paint and watching them chase each other is 1000x more entertaining than Avatar.
He threw his hands in the air.
And he waved em like he just didn’t care.
In hindsight, he was the worst airplane runway guide we ever hired.
I don’t care where I am, if I see a car that looks like a friend’s car I’m going to assume they’re in it. Like I could be in North Korea and if I saw a white Toyota Camry I’d be like oh shit is that my boy Greg?
[at work during the pandemic]
BOSS: omg what the hell
ME: I’m wearing the damn mask
BOSS: why down there though
Me: how d’ya like them apples?
Dr: *hisses and retreats into the shadows*
Saw a cloud stuck in a tree so I climbed it and tried to shake it loose but now I’m stuck in a cloud please help
can’t believe alcohol is the legal one. when I get too drunk I want to make the worst mistakes of my life. when I get too high I want to mix all the dipping sauces and be a better friend
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
My new dentist called me back in to make another mold of my teeth. Needless to say he made a terrible 1st impression.
Give me a break, ouija board. I don’t need to know who was killed in this house. Just tell me how the murderer got away with it.
Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.
Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.
Another day of explaining to mom that New York is big and the footage she saw wasn’t shot on my street.
My wife made me pack my own bag for vacation and now I have to figure out how to wear potato chips.
Had a dream I went to the chiropractor in a shirt that showed some of my back.
Chiropractor: Do you think you have a fungus on your back?
Me: Do YOU think I have a fungus on my back? YOU’RE looking at it.
BaD BoY!!
I think illegal drugs are just the government trying to teach the metric system on the sly.