@Ghetto_Trophy

I will punch you in the face.

OK not really – but I will roll my eyes at you, hard.

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@ErrenMichaels

*narrows my eyes at you suspiciously*
*keeps narrowing them*
*closes them entirely*
[naps]

@iwearaonesie

mom: no TV for a week!
dad: and after you take a bath you can’t use your hands to get out of the tub
*sons jaw drops*
mom: [whispers] nice

@armyVet1972

I think tomorrow I’m going to respond to everyone using only lyrics from songs by The Dead Deads. Wish me some luck at the DMV.

@dksc4life

It was awkward to see the “World’s Greatest Driver” bumper sticker on my car when it got pulled out of the lake today.

@DothTheDoth

Be the reason why your priest speaks in a dead language at your exorcism.

@LuvPug

Ugh, stalkers are horrible.

You’d think SOMEONE could’ve let me know I was out of toilet paper.

@Reductress

Wow! This Child Actress is All Grown Up, and You Won’t Believe How Much She Hates Your Obsession With What She Looks Like Now:

@iwearaonesie

wife [text] I’m so proud of you for sticking to your diet
me [can’t respond because there’s powdered donut on my fingers]

@MarfSalvador

Neighbor: Oh your baby has beautiful big eyes!

My wife: Yeah, like his dad

Me: *Stares suspiciously at our gardener Sauron*

@Staggfilms

BAILIFF: Please state your name for the courtroom.

SCOOBY: Scooby Doo.

BAILIFF: Your FULL name.

SCOOBY: Scooby Doobie Doo.