I will punch you in the face.
OK not really – but I will roll my eyes at you, hard.
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I’ll have a whiskey.
“On The Rock?”
Yeah, the rocks—wait, what?
[You look up at a smiling Dwayne Johnson]
“This one’s free, buddy.”
grotesque if literal: baby food
Tired of actually helping? Try prayer
Me: god you’re sexy
Her (sultry whisper): I’ll bet you say that to all the women
Me (sultry whisper): not my mom
SICK’EM SPIKE!!!
[the burglar and I stare as my pet turtle walks very slowly across the room]
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
At my 12yo’s school awards ceremony tonight I danced in my seat just enough for her to see me, smile, shake her head in happy embarrassment, and look down to avoid accidentally smiling again
My work here is done
Hey…that’s not the wallet inspector
Just because I know that I can fit 150 snakes in my bathtub doesn’t mean I have a plan
[marriage counseling]
prince eric: i just feel like the communication is lacking
ariel [frantically gesturing at legs and mouth]: Mm hm HM hm hm MM
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
You’re not supposed to be your pet’s friend, your job is to make sure they get into a good pet college.
Me: “Get me a can of Stella from the fridge please sweetheart”
10: “Do you give girls names to all of your beers Daddy?”
Me: “Stop asking silly questions Heineken.”
After Captain America was thawed from the ice, his first encounter with a Japanese-American must’ve been really awkward.
My body snaps, crackles and pops louder than my cereal.
Cop: so you went out to pick up some fruit when, out of nowhere, 3 ghosts attacked you?
Pac-man [wipes tears]: 4. It was 4 ghosts
Me five minutes ago: I’m not sure what the United Kingdom is
Me now: very good result in Newcastle Central, bodes poorly for the Tories
I’m posting this because I’m honestly at a loss. I’ve been in this situationship for as long as I can remember & I need advice. There’s this guy & he’s honestly SO nice & he gets me whatever I want but he only visits once a year & only when I’m sleeping & then he just disappears.
I’m just curious if anyone has been through anything like this? Any advice? I don’t even have his number I just write him letters.
I know dropping your phone/keys in a public toilet is bad but have you ever lost a shoe trying to kick the flusher
Idc how bad my relationship is I’m not calling no mf radio station for advice😭
Longest English word:
‘pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosi’Longest Spanish word: ‘GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLL’
The receptionist at the doc’s office today kept pulling her mask down to talk to me and I-
Bad news: I think I may have broken my toe. Good news: the smart car I tripped over will be alright.
I hope you catch the bouquet at my funeral.
im not a morning person. in the morning i am a goat
When women mentally undress me, it takes too long to unwrap the turban and they get bored and leave.
If you all vote for Kanye, I’m packing up Canada and moving it to Australia.
I’m not saying I’m on Amazon a lot but I did notice it was down before they did.
genie: u can’t have unlimited wishes
me: i wish for unlimited genies
genie: son of a