I will punch you in the face.

OK not really – but I will roll my eyes at you, hard.

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*narrows my eyes at you suspiciously*
*keeps narrowing them*
*closes them entirely*


mom: no TV for a week!
dad: and after you take a bath you can’t use your hands to get out of the tub
*sons jaw drops*
mom: [whispers] nice


I think tomorrow I’m going to respond to everyone using only lyrics from songs by The Dead Deads. Wish me some luck at the DMV.


It was awkward to see the “World’s Greatest Driver” bumper sticker on my car when it got pulled out of the lake today.


Be the reason why your priest speaks in a dead language at your exorcism.


Ugh, stalkers are horrible.

You’d think SOMEONE could’ve let me know I was out of toilet paper.


Wow! This Child Actress is All Grown Up, and You Won’t Believe How Much She Hates Your Obsession With What She Looks Like Now:


wife [text] I’m so proud of you for sticking to your diet
me [can’t respond because there’s powdered donut on my fingers]


Neighbor: Oh your baby has beautiful big eyes!

My wife: Yeah, like his dad

Me: *Stares suspiciously at our gardener Sauron*


BAILIFF: Please state your name for the courtroom.

SCOOBY: Scooby Doo.

BAILIFF: Your FULL name.

SCOOBY: Scooby Doobie Doo.