For Sale: Wedding Suit, worn only once by mistake..
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[Picasso’s Blue Period]
Picasso: holy shit, call a gynecologist
Asked a guy in the garden area of Home Depot if he had anything that won’t die.
He replied: My Mother-in-law!
We fist bumped.
At night
Me: wow I finally found the best sleeping position!
My body: we need to pee.
[first day as tour guide in the catacombs] okay so all these bones came from one guy.
“I see you’ve been eating whatever you want and not exercising.” -Clothes
Jesus, take the wheel!
*steering wheel disappears*
*car careens into tree*
I don’t go on Facebook much so Dave, if you’re seeing this, thanks for the invite to your 2007 New Year’s party, hope you had fun dude.
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
*movie voice*in a world of untold despair one woman will alter fate by staring at a wall
16- *bragging about his mustache*
12- Mom’s mustache is way better than yours
Me-
What does stormtrooper armor protect against, exactly? Knives?
[aliens observing earth]
“Horse racing is the shit we gotta start doing that”
I’ve been watching HGTV with my wife for the past two hours, and just once – just ONCE – I would like to see a couple looking for a home who hates entertaining.
[Funeral]
He died doing what he loved; throwing rocks at bears and saying “it’s fine, they’re way more scared of us than we are of them”
Girlfriend mentioned she was lacking iron in her diet.
I gave her all my wrinkled shirts.
And that’s how the fight started.
[email from Cheryl in HR] Stop calling it Januternity. You’re damaging staff morale.
haha sucks for women that they have to sit down to poop
[watching Boogie Nights]
age 19: OMG Rollergirl is sexy.
age 37: OMG wearing rollerskates during sex is dangerous. How is she still alive?
WOMAN NAMED CATHY: my name is cathy
ME: ah yes short for catheter i presume
My kid, sick at school: *lethargic, deathlike pallor, has to be carried*
My kid, sick at home: *eats five meals before lunch time, jumping up and down on bed, wants to go on a hike*
She tells me to live in the present then gets upset when I don’t remember our anniversary, pick a lane.
“I’m tired of getting out of my car to take a shit.” – guy about to invent the R.V.
God: take the worst of his personality.
Angel: okay.
God: then take the worst of her personality.
Angel: got it.
God: now mix them all together.
Angel: what do you want to call this mess?
God: call it a kid.
[wife yelling in waterpark]
“BRENT SOMEONE IS STEALING THE CAR”
[top of huge slide] K IM STILL GONNA TAKE THE SLIDE DOWN CUZ IT’ll BE FASTER
Clark Kent: *removes glasses*
Freddie Prinze Jr: wow I never realized how beautiful you are
adding to the discourse
Do celebrities feel complimented when they’re called underrated? Like, you’re really good, just not enough people think so
What’s a movie everyone recommends to you but you’ve never seen? Mine’s the safety video for this forklift I’m operating.
Each week our panel of 3 celebrity chefs compete to create the ultimate final meal for a death row inmate on LAST SUPPER, this fall on FOX
Fun Fact: If you wear scrubs, people will tell you all kinds of unsolicited and disgusting problems.