I will raise my son to treat your daughters like spoiled princesses, but only if you don’t raise your daughters to think they are. Deal?
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dentist: when did you last floss?
me: just last week
dentist: you know i went to school for this, right? i can see that’s not true
me: sorry, i meant yesterday
dentist: what?
me: i mean i’m flossing right now
dentist:
me: ow my gums, they hurt exactly the normal amount
If my bathroom scale were polite it would start off by telling me what a great personality I have.
me: [a pilgrim seeing something new] imma put a buckle on that
me: can we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: may
me: sorry, may we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: no i mean the month
What if instead of startling someone you could stople them. Just like, do something that makes them instantly really relaxed
her: can you pick up the house
me: *putting on back brace* I can try
The most valuable lesson I learned from Hey Arnold is that it’s okay to punch mouth breathers in the face.
The liquor store clerk just wished me Merry Christmas like he’s not going to see me 8 more times before then.
I would never cheat in a relationship
because that would require two people finding me attractive.
People I live with are hiding my shit. The two most effective hiding places to date:
1) out in the open
2) where I last left it
Petition to change the “there’s a train approaching the station, please stand away from the platform edge” announcement to “oh lawd she comin”
If it weren’t for the gutter my mind would be homeless.
I think it’s funny when parents get actually mad at people for call themselves a dog mom it’s like yeah no duh it’s not the same thing people actually like their dogs
Boy are you an automatic faucet? Just a slight hand movement and you’re spraying all over me.
What did the teddy bear eat for dinner?
Nothing. He was STUFFED!
What idiot called him Steve Jobs instead of Mac Daddy
*asks every guy at speed dating*
“Are you going to drink that?”
Are you there Santa?
It’s me, Midge
If you’re hitting the gas every time she tries to open the passenger side door, remember, the 8th time is always the funniest.
Truth
A Harvard professor says I should only eat six French fries per serving. When I have PMS I can easily eat six Harvard professors in one sitting though.
Why are you wearing that outfit again?
Me: Because I paid for it and I have a washing machine
I looked out the window to enjoy the beautiful view of our mountains. I then looked over to the left toward the end of our driveway and I see my 10 yo and 8 yo. They were twerking whenever cars came by.
We have to move now.
Me, knowing girls dig bad boys: sorry I didn’t text u back babe I was grounded.
*walks into hospital carrying baby*
“What’s your return policy on this thing?”
I spend 60%of my day worrying that I might have mustard on my face or clothing. The other 40% I am eating mustard.
Parent Tip: don’t tell your child “I’m waiting, I can wait all day if I have to” unless you’ve actually cleared your schedule for the day.
When I said I like it rough.. I meant sex, not the entire relationship.
People my age or older than me or younger than me are the worst.