Pregnancy test that says, “Your cart has 1 item in it”
I will ride you like a helicopter. Totally out of control.
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I failed my audition as Romeo through a misunderstanding over a stage direction. My copy of the script said: ‘Enter Juliet from the rear’
Real Estate Agent: it’s a 3 bed, 2 bath…
REA: it’s made out of gingerbread so lots of kids linger around
W: I’ll take it
Tester: Let’s start with an easy one, the square root of 29241?
Subject: I meant, idk math is hard. lol
Don’t have money for a cab so I keep calling ambulances and telling them I feel better when I’m close to my destination
It’s like my teeth got in trouble in school & aren’t allowed to sit together.
Having standards is important, so having double standards is even better than that because it means you have twice as many standards.
Sincere, like a compliment from a car salesman.
“who can I count on to volunteer for this project?”
*slumps out of chair and slowly army crawls out of conference room*
Ever get the feeling someone is watching you when you sleep? Yeah, sorry about that.