@ClearlyUnwell

I will ride you like a helicopter. Totally out of control.

You Might Also Like

@MaryKoCo

Pregnancy test that says, “Your cart has 1 item in it”

@causticbob

I failed my audition as Romeo through a misunderstanding over a stage direction. My copy of the script said: ‘Enter Juliet from the rear’

@ThisOneSayz

Real Estate Agent: it’s a 3 bed, 2 bath…

Witch: …but?

REA: it’s made out of gingerbread so lots of kids linger around

W: I’ll take it

@schmittsteve

[Turing Test]
Tester: Let’s start with an easy one, the square root of 29241?
Subject: 171!
Tester:
Subject: I meant, idk math is hard. lol

@meganamram

Don’t have money for a cab so I keep calling ambulances and telling them I feel better when I’m close to my destination

@GuyThe_Guy

It’s like my teeth got in trouble in school & aren’t allowed to sit together.

@_steamy_mac

Having standards is important, so having double standards is even better than that because it means you have twice as many standards.

@PFitzpa

Sincere, like a compliment from a car salesman.

@amarie_price

“who can I count on to volunteer for this project?”

*slumps out of chair and slowly army crawls out of conference room*

@Parentpains

Ever get the feeling someone is watching you when you sleep? Yeah, sorry about that.