Where do avocados come from? Uh, well, when a crocodile loves a pear very much…
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My family keeps bringing up my felony like I’m afraid to commit another one.
“why do women always take sooo long to put their makeup on?” because makeup is war paint for Being In Public, clearly
[used car lot]
Customer: Do you have any mini vans?
Me: No, we sell cars…but there is a kid’s shoe store near the mall
Judge: How do you plead?
Me: Well, I can’t speak for the defendant—
J: Of course you can, you’re his attorney
M: Oh what fun! In that case, he’s clearly guilty as hell!
my red blood cells watching me pick open a scab that they spent hours making
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Me: Wow that is spicy. Wooo! *fanning mouth* What is it called?
Her: Sparkling water.
History teaches us that there have always been idiots making life hard for everyone else.
Talking vulture: You dead yet? What about now? OK, I’ll wait.
Blessed is the one who can fall asleep before the snoring partner
A pie where there isn’t pastry on the bottom isn’t a pie. It’s soup with a hat.
20’s: AT DAWN WE RIDE !
40’s: AT NINE WE SLEEP !
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked?? It’s not like your clothes die too…
I just want to be considered unstable enough to where nobody wants me involved in their pyramid scheme.
[after sex]
Her: *lights up smoke*
Me: *unwraps toothpick*
Her: what was that about?
Me: I read somewhere if a bear comes too close you should piss yourself to ward him off
Her: at the zoo tho?
[Job Interview]
Sir, it says here you’re part of a small group of criminals that primarily kills interviewersoohhhhmygod
Covid like
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[being introduced to a new coworker]
boss: this is ryan, he has 13 years of experience and comes from a very reputable company
me: *yelling from the back* WHAT HOGWARTS HOUSE IS HE
ryan: i don’t really see how that’s relev—
the entire office: *in unison* ravenclaw
9yo to 6yo: “Why is it so hard for you to understand this? Are you Alexa??”
COP: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
OCTOPUS: They’re tentacles
COP: OK PUT ALL 8 TENTACLES UP
OCTOPUS: Two are my legs, dude
COP: Just go. I give up.
BRB YOU GUYS, I GOTTA DO THIS FACEBOOK QUIZ TO FIND OUT WHAT BREED OF CAT I AM
gf: ooh a blindfold, kinky
me: *seductively* ill go get the piñata
I see your IQ test came back negative
Police officer: Have you had anything to drink?
Me:No
PO:Ok, blow into here
Me:But there are no candles
PO:Ma’am please get out of the car
If you encounter a bear DON’T RUN. Maintain eye contact. Keep maintaining it. Fall in love. Marry the bear. Tell story to your grandbearbies
Your heart beats faster, your knees go weak, you start to sweat. Is this love? No you’re probably hypoglycemic
[bar]
HER: wanna get outta here? *winks*
ME: hell ya
HER: whatya thinkin?
ME: lets go to my place and arm wrestle
HER: what?
ME: u scared?
who called it a chinese finger trap and not a digit fidget widget?
waiter: can i show you to the table
me: sure
waiter: here he is
table: [unimpressed noises]
I hate it when someone says “here’s the thing…” and then doesn’t give me a thing.