I will straight up walk into traffic to avoid a kid selling something.
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ME: Why are my eyes itchy?
WebMD: Eye bees
I dont know about you guys, but I am amazed Pringles is able to constantly grow the same shaped potato. Science.
Don’t be jealous but my kids managed to have 14 different fights in the 5 minute drive home from school.
Explained occurrences: redditor runs into daylight savings time
I gave up going to work for lent.
my daddy woke me up at 7:30am to tell me the windows were down on my car so of course i thought there was another car for me outside💀 na i really left my windows down…
I did squats while eating my leftover pizza. I’m nailing this healthy lifestyle
My neighbor keeps going fly fishing, but every time he comes back with just a bunch of fish. Those flies are crafty and whatnot.
God: you’re a capybara.
Capybara: yay!
God: you’re the largest rodent.
Capybara: double yay!
God: also you live in South America.
Capybara: so cool!
God: wow you’re in a great mood!
Capybara: just living my personal motto!
God: which is?
Capybara: don’t worry be Capy : )
Keep your fries close and your onion rings closer.
My ex was saved in my phone as “the antichrist” until my children were able to read.
“A wine please”
“Sir, this is McDonalds…”
“Okay, a McWine please”
Me: Wow. She has a mesmerising walk.
Him: Hypnotist?
Me: Oh hip noticed alright.
I’m not saying I drink too much caffeine but I do believe my body will keep moving 48 hours after my death.
I read that Miley Cyrus will be starring in a remake of Silence of the Lambs.
She’ll be playing Hannibal Montannibal.
My buddy’s phone autocorrected “wife” to “wide” and now he’s living in my garage.
Shout out to my drug dealer Jamal, he’s taught me more about the metric system than any of my teachers ever did.
rich people: i’m on a list?
lawyer: yes
rich people: forbes?
lawyer: no
Me: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
H: You do realize I’m your husband, right?
Hey kid.. don’t let your mom tell you that you need to wait an hour after eating to go swimming. I used to eat Philly cheesesteaks IN the pool. Everything is fine.
Why should I have to stop talking about my ex, a relationship that ended a mere year ago, when Hollywood won’t stop making movies about world war 2, a war that ended like 20 years ago?
I heard you like bad girls. Well I’m bad. At everything. Winks at you with both eyes.
Responding to someone putting on their jacket, picking up their bag, turning towards the door and walking away by asking “you off?”
I really dislike my CW, so everyday I steal a Kleenex from her desk. In about 500 days, she’s gonna be pissed.
I went to the candle store today.
They were having a blowout sale.
me: hips like a canadian goose
girl in club: is that good?
[first day as a scientist]
Scientist: you have a budget of $1.3m
*2 weeks later*
Scientist: we need a progress update
Me [has blown the budget on an army of genetically engineered dog size giraffes]: wind is basically air in a hurry
I’m not surviving a horror movie…first of all, I’m not running anywhere
Grampa always said, “when you leave the house make sure you’re wearing clean underwear…. otherwise the raccoons will attack your anus”.
Grampa lived a weird life.
If I could be a superhero, I’d be Aluminum Man. My superpower would be foiling crime.