I will take your secret to the grave. Unless I’m drunk and revealing it will make me popular.
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Whole Foods announced that a Prius left their lights on in the parking lot and now I have the store all to myself.
My neighbor has a huge warehouse/shop and is alway in there banging away on something or doing stuff but never really producing anything. I just know that one day Dateline is going to interview me and ask if I knew what was going on in there…
Laundry Day
Me: Tell me about this lipstick on your shirt.
Him: Babe, I can explain!
Me: Don’t care. Just ask her the brand and shade name.
Always keep an axe by the front door so I can give the other Jehovah something awesome to witness.
I have a mice problem so I lay out tiny red and blue bandanas in hopes they start a west coast/east coast thing and take care of each other.
Olive Garden. Where the prices are high, but the expectations are low…
Date: so you’re a handyman?
Me: no I just do odd jobs
Date: like what
Me: yesterday I taught a duck karate
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for it’s health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
I just learned that snails can sleep for 3 years at a time and it looks like I have a new spirit animal (sorry wombats)
Do not go gentle into that good night,
Websites really should skip the log in screen and just go straight to the reset password screen.
It’s all fun and games until a metal flask falls out of your car in the church parking lot.
guy inventing chess: this is an allegory for the medieval system of monarchy
guy inventing checkers: hoppity hop, hop hop hop
did I “kill a plant” or did the plant not have what it takes to thrive in this fast-paced environment
I’ve been pretending to know what “zeitgeist” means for a really long time now.
[Petco]
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for a real fish person.
ME: Like a mermaid?
INTERVIEWER:
Me: *covers foot with blanket*
Monster 1: *about to grab my foot anyway*
Monster 2: *quickly pulling him back* NO. we have to respect the blanket Franklin
Don’t compare yourself to other people but if you must, compare yourself to someone objectively worse.
You’re pretty cocky for someone with such a small…
….vocabulary.
Please help my husband and I decide on dinner. We’ve narrowed it down to “It doesn’t matter” and “It’s your turn to choose”.
9 out of 7 people can’t do fractions
I recently learned that German Chocolate Cake is made with coconuts. Not everyone likes coconuts. Not one person at the party we were at liked that cake I got. Especially not my wife, whose birthday we were celebrating.
2 found a calculator and is typing away very intensely on it
I call her name and I got a dirty look and a very nasty “Hold on!”, and back to typing
So I’ve decided to say her name 32 times, ask for juice 15 times, ask for 58 snacks, and have 3 meltdowns
keep your Glenns Close and your Glennemies Closer
“Get Well Soon” is a lovely thing to write on a card for someone whose home is without a water supply.
Parenting is about lovingly tucking your kids into bed at night and still waking up with a small foot on your face.