To Do List While in Jail
1. Ask someone for an Eskimo kiss and when they shake their head no say,”Hey why’d you start without me?”
I will turn off your post-apocalyptic movie the first time I spot a woman with shaved pits
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If you don’t leave covered in the blood of your vanquished enemies, did you even try your hardest at the father/son 3-legged race?
I USED MY WIFE’S VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO AND NOW I CAN’T STOP YELLING!
LIFE HACK: If a public restroom is locked, violently yank the door handle over and over like a gorilla and never accept that it’s occupied
“Boss, I’ve got a probl-”
“There are no such things as problems, only opportunities”
“Oh, ok. I’ve got a serious drinking opportunity”
I don’t care if you’re here to murder me – we take our shoes off in this house.
He wanted to role play, then got all mad when I acted like a prohibitionist and banned sex.
Not willing to admit he made a wrong turn, Dad threw Tic Tacs out the car window to little kids watching the parade from the curb.
How much for that babysitter?
Ma’am, that’s a roll of duct tape
I’ll take it!
Her: You sound hoarse. What’s wrong?
*flashback to me screaming Taylor Swift songs in my car on the way home*
Me: Dunno. Probably a cold.