@BrandyLJensen

I will turn off your post-apocalyptic movie the first time I spot a woman with shaved pits

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@tuckerflodman

To Do List While in Jail

1. Ask someone for an Eskimo kiss and when they shake their head no say,”Hey why’d you start without me?”
2.
3.

@drinksmcgee

If you don’t leave covered in the blood of your vanquished enemies, did you even try your hardest at the father/son 3-legged race?

@mikeym00n

I USED MY WIFE’S VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO AND NOW I CAN’T STOP YELLING!

@KarenKilgariff

LIFE HACK: If a public restroom is locked, violently yank the door handle over and over like a gorilla and never accept that it’s occupied

@0point5twins

“Boss, I’ve got a probl-”

“There are no such things as problems, only opportunities”

“Oh, ok. I’ve got a serious drinking opportunity”

@Leemanish

I don’t care if you’re here to murder me – we take our shoes off in this house.

@OMGSoOverIt

He wanted to role play, then got all mad when I acted like a prohibitionist and banned sex.

@squirrel74wkgn

Not willing to admit he made a wrong turn, Dad threw Tic Tacs out the car window to little kids watching the parade from the curb.

@jdforshort

How much for that babysitter?

Ma’am, that’s a roll of duct tape

I’ll take it!

@Tmoney68

Her: You sound hoarse. What’s wrong?

*flashback to me screaming Taylor Swift songs in my car on the way home*

Me: Dunno. Probably a cold.