I will turn off your post-apocalyptic movie the first time I spot a woman with shaved pits
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The 3 Little Pigs Story teaches us that if you use cheap building materials, you deserve to be murdered by a stranger.
3: Can I have another cheese slice?
Me: Sure.
3: I won’t squish this one in a ball and put it under the cushion.
“Hey, you guys dare me to eat this whole party sub by myself?”
I ask the dolls that line my bedroom shelves
“Do not touch” must be one of the most terrifying things to read in braille
If I’ve learned anything from this year, it’s that my family needs no more than 1 can of tuna for a pandemic. In a panic I bought 20 cans of tuna and 9 months later we have 20 cans of tuna.
I tried dusting after five energy drinks now my house is on fire.
if a woman tells me she just wants be friends I say ok but I get to be rachel
News: Hillary won the debate!
My friends: Bernie won the debate!
Trump: I won the debate!
Huckabee: Asian people eat dogs!
My greatest fear is having a star athlete injure himself and having the coach look into the crowd and point at me to take his place
The night the balaclavas slithered out of the sewers and slid onto the heads of unsuspecting sleepers who got up and broke into the empty houses of neighbors who were out breaking into other houses and in the morning we all woke up groggy wondering why we had new living room sets
When life gives you lemons, worship the elder Gods. Take candy from a baby. Drink from a trough of blood. Who cares? None of this matters
*hypnotists breaking up*
four years Greg. FOUR fucking years and not ONCE have I been feeling very sleepy
If you want your teen to finish her homework, tell her to fold the laundry.
Just picturing a bunch of roombas praying to a statue of a full sized vacuum cleaner
mad respect to the toddler that stuck their head under the gas station bathroom stall today to say hey
Mr. Webb, what is the greatest threat to national security?
“The dinosaurs in Jurassic World, they always seem to get out”
You ever not fold your laundry for so long by the time you get around to it, none of the baby clothes fit the baby anymore?
[first date]
me [im a goat]: u gonna eat that dress?
date [also a goat]: yes
me: I just don’t know what you see in me
X-ray tech: twelve ice cream sandwiches. Still in their foil wrappers
*after spending a solid 15 minutes listening to someone describe a tv show I’ll never watch*
I’ll definitely check it out.
Me: Man I love the eighties
Grandparents: We have names
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
Come join me in the bath.
Bring snacks.
PICASSO: She had one eye on her forehead, and her nose was on the side of her face
COP: Maybe someone else should describe the suspect
I’m a married white male; my forefathers saw to it that I’m not allowed to be offended by anything.
[park bench with girlfriend]
so you’re dumping me because you don’t think I’m smart?
“yes brent”
*starts raining*
great and now sky water
The toast is toasting in the toaster, because that’s where the toast toasts.
That’s shocking!! Hold on.
*quickly draws overly arched eyebrows*
Ok. Go on.
My daughter in college texted me and asked where to go to get air in her tires. I told her the gas station and I swear on all that is holy her response was this, “I only have $88 in my bank account. Will it cost more than that?”
When I can’t find my car keys, I’m grateful for the most helpful suggestions like “Where did you last leave them?” and “They’ll turn up”.