I will walk one state over to avoid parallel parking.
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The opposite of a meat lover’s pizza is a veggie hater’s pizza, which is weirdly THE SAME THING.
So. I didn’t win the lottery again. If this run of bad luck continues much longer, I may have to consider actually buying a ticket one day.
A guy laughed at me because I only have a 19″ TV. I suggested we not laugh about how many inches things are. That shut him up.
Little known fact: Arizona’s state flower is pavement.
We are all made of stardust, and stardust maybe should have had a little less to drink last night.
If your wife tells you to take a bite of the apple then you take a bite of the goddamn apple why was it so hard for god to understand that
This meal prepping shit easy
technically you’re not on fire, the fire is on you. but yes i’ll get some water
[First day studying philosophy]
Professor: I like to start up each class by sparking a debate. You. You over there. Say something that we can discuss.
Me: Me?
Professor: Yes.
Me: Err… Err… Does a hotdog ever become a colddog?
Professor: Actually, not you. Someone else.
Why eat a carrot when you can just as easily not eat a carrot?
[God creating puffer fish] take that hedgehog and throw it into the goddamn ocean
Asked my wife to pick up something from Home Depot and she’s texted me 47 questions and sent 300 pictures of the wrong item captioned “this?” so now I understand why she doesn’t let me go grocery shopping by myself.
I once snuck my cat into a grocery store just to show him what a lazy hunter I am.
If your drug dealer is on time, it’s a cop.
Gang tip: If a rival gang tags their symbol on your turf, don’t cover it. Add a drawing of Calvin peeing on it.
Now who’s stupid? They are!
[Batman picking a catchphrase]
Bruce: what’s good for the Bruce is good for the Gander
Alfred: nothing to do with bats/gives away your identity
Bruce: i’mma throw two Bruce’s up on crime
Alfred: *rubbing temples* how about “i’m Batman”
Bruce: you’re cruising for a Bruce-ing
My therapist told me he doesn’t eat bacon or drink coffee, I told him he’s the one that needs a psychologist.
True?
[meeting]
BOSS: We need a name that gives us a good ad slogan
ME: Perhapselline?
MY NEMESIS GARY: Maybelline?
B: You’re incredible, Gary
DATE: So what do you do?
ME: I race cars.
HER: That’s so cool. Have you won many races?
ME: No, the cars are much faster.
that wasn’t the question
I have a particular set of skills, skills that allow me to open beer cans so no one in the house knows I’m drinking.
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
Girlfriend: *reading beautiful love poem in German*
Me: STOP YELLING AT ME
The thing they don’t explain in 27 Dresses is how Kathryn Heigl affords to be a bridesmaid in 27 weddings on a personal assistant’s salary. Did that company have unlimited PTO??
I wrote a song called “I’m Walking Up a Hill.” Here are the lyrics:
[panting]
[panting]
[panting]
Jesus H. Christ
I have to stop saying “Because I’m Batman” all the time. It’s not cute anymore. Oh wait. Yea it is! You know why? Because I’m Batman.
How much is appropriate to tip the police officer who opens the squad car door for you?
Aisle 3: oh my god hi!
Aisle 5: haha hi
Aisle 9: yeah hello…
Aisle 10: [little smile]
Aisle 13: I swear to god I will cut you if I see your face again-Death spiral of a friendship when you keep running into them at Target