@ChemBtwnUs

I win all of my breakups by not getting fat.

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@50FirstTates

stop abbreviating phrases where every word has one syllable (OMG, ILY). start abbreviating long sentences. that’s how u save time. ILYFYB (i’m leaving you for your brother) or SWAYTAIUMELFY (stacy what are you talking about i uprooted my entire life for you). much easier

@VodkaTiem

Relationship status: The pizza is late and I’m worried

@Odiegirl9

Instead of condoms I keep moist towelettes in my purse because I am more apt to have buffalo wings instead of sex!

@10kbabyspiders

Netflix should have the option to not just resume from when you shut it off, but to resume from when you fell asleep.

@Sarcasticsapien

People at the gym in January who dress like they’re obsessed with working out won’t be there by, probably the end of this sentence.

@OakHill_

If Yoga is hot and out of breath, what does Yoga do?

Yoga pants.

@_davidlucas_

Daddy! Tell me a story..

The Tooth Fairy is really a wicked witch, who takes all your teeth if you sleep with your mouth open.

Good night.

@WhaJoTalkinBout

New Password: Elephants
<Not strong enough>
New Password: Ants
<Too strong>
New Password: BabyBearsPorridge
<Just right>

@1followernodad

Fun prank: ONLY explain gay marriage to your kids and then watch other people try to explain their weird straight marriages.

@winemamita

stop asking me if im hispanic when i already told y’all im hispeace!!!