I win all of my breakups by not getting fat.

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stop abbreviating phrases where every word has one syllable (OMG, ILY). start abbreviating long sentences. that’s how u save time. ILYFYB (i’m leaving you for your brother) or SWAYTAIUMELFY (stacy what are you talking about i uprooted my entire life for you). much easier


Relationship status: The pizza is late and I’m worried


Instead of condoms I keep moist towelettes in my purse because I am more apt to have buffalo wings instead of sex!


Netflix should have the option to not just resume from when you shut it off, but to resume from when you fell asleep.


People at the gym in January who dress like they’re obsessed with working out won’t be there by, probably the end of this sentence.


If Yoga is hot and out of breath, what does Yoga do?

Yoga pants.


Daddy! Tell me a story..

The Tooth Fairy is really a wicked witch, who takes all your teeth if you sleep with your mouth open.

Good night.


New Password: Elephants
<Not strong enough>
New Password: Ants
<Too strong>
New Password: BabyBearsPorridge
<Just right>


Fun prank: ONLY explain gay marriage to your kids and then watch other people try to explain their weird straight marriages.


stop asking me if im hispanic when i already told y’all im hispeace!!!