I win all of my breakups by not getting fat.

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There’s no cool way to get your braces unstuck from the carpet.


i see ur bf carved his favorite sports team’s logo into his pumpkin instead of u. nice to see where his priorities lie. lmk if u wanna talk about it. i’d be upset


Just had a customer giving me his email and he said “E as in X-ray” 😭


(first date)
Me: *hyperventilating*
Him: Don’t be nervous. Take a deep breath.
Me: Can’t. I’m wearing three pairs of Spanx.


[getting fired from NASA]
Is it because I kept saying “Technically we’re already in space?”


WIFE: What are you doing?


WIFE: You’re teaching the dog karate?

ME: Then it’s exactly what it looks like.


[first date]

HER: Do you have any hobbies?

ME: Yes! Wait, did you say “hobbits”?

HER: No, hobbies

ME: Oh, then no


The interview was going great until my puppet started screaming