There’s no cool way to get your braces unstuck from the carpet.
I win all of my breakups by not getting fat.
You Might Also Like
You should just be thankful for all the things I don’t say.
i see ur bf carved his favorite sports team’s logo into his pumpkin instead of u. nice to see where his priorities lie. lmk if u wanna talk about it. i’d be upset
Just had a customer giving me his email and he said “E as in X-ray” 😭
Him: Don’t be nervous. Take a deep breath.
Me: Can’t. I’m wearing three pairs of Spanx.
[GOD CREATING DUCKS]
Give that chicken a kazoo.
[getting fired from NASA]
Is it because I kept saying “Technically we’re already in space?”
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
WIFE: You’re teaching the dog karate?
ME: Then it’s exactly what it looks like.
HER: Do you have any hobbies?
ME: Yes! Wait, did you say “hobbits”?
HER: No, hobbies
ME: Oh, then no
The interview was going great until my puppet started screaming