@ChemBtwnUs

I win all of my breakups by not getting fat.

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@stacieooooo

There’s no cool way to get your braces unstuck from the carpet.

@CaucasianJames

i see ur bf carved his favorite sports team’s logo into his pumpkin instead of u. nice to see where his priorities lie. lmk if u wanna talk about it. i’d be upset

@turtledumplin

Just had a customer giving me his email and he said “E as in X-ray” 😭

@sixfootcandy

(first date)
Me: *hyperventilating*
Him: Don’t be nervous. Take a deep breath.
Me: Can’t. I’m wearing three pairs of Spanx.

@NicestHippo

[getting fired from NASA]
Is it because I kept saying “Technically we’re already in space?”

@Reverend_Scott

WIFE: What are you doing?

ME: IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE

WIFE: You’re teaching the dog karate?

ME: Then it’s exactly what it looks like.

@QwertyJones3

[first date]

HER: Do you have any hobbies?

ME: Yes! Wait, did you say “hobbits”?

HER: No, hobbies

ME: Oh, then no

@Cpin42

The interview was going great until my puppet started screaming