Reading your horoscope is just trying to determine your future based on when your parents had sex.
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My fiancée loves to say she’s color blind, yet anytime starbursts are being eaten in the car I get passed the orange and yellow
The bleeding walls and voice saying “Get out” I can live with but the inadequate natural light in the breakfast nook is intolerable.
I wish I lived in the 20s so I could wear hats, smoke cigarettes and say stuff like, “Hey big cheese, this giggle water is the cat’s meow.”
Sharks are so misunderstood. They ONLY eat people’s legs because they want you to transform into a mermaid and be friends with them.
Me:
My cat: wow you sure nap a lot
WIFE: Where are you off to?
ME: Shits & giggles.
WIFE: What?
ME: I’m gonna read funny tweets on the toilet.
Black and white films:
MAN: You there, young man!
A FORTY YEAR OLD MAN: Yes?
My savings account has been empty for so long that a Spirit Halloween just opened up inside it
be careful out there! #FiftyShadesOfGrey
definitely thought i’d be solving mysteries and unmasking ghosts in a van with a dog by this point in my life
I’d kill for a body like that BUT I WILL NOT EXERCISE FOR IT
I was 14 before I realized that banana peels and anvils weren’t America’s leading causes of death.
My husband said he wants me to stop drinking and still be in a good mood. So I told him to stop putting gas in the car and still drive.
[First day as a fighter pilot]
*punches every passenger in the stomach as they board*
A message for people with imposter syndrome:
The Pentagon just announced they miscalculated by $3 billion, you’re doing fine (unless you are this one accountant at the Pentagon)
My husband just bought ice cream with raisins. So, that was a fun marriage.
Welcome to your 40’s. Quality pens turn you on now.
If I apply for a job at the railroad,
will they expect me to already know how to do the job
or will they train me?
I suppose you can take my cold dead hand when you pry it from my warm live one and charge me w/unlawful possession of human remains
How would someone cancel an appointment at a sperm bank?
Do you just call them and say you can’t come
Brad Pitt might be “better looking” than me, but I am considerably fatter.
I drive an extra five miles on my way home from work so I can access my mailbox from the drivers side.
Contrary to popular belief, when I call tech support, I don’t know what the Indian dude is saying either.
My kitchen drawer was stuck but my husband got it open. I guess all it needed was a big jerk.
This is my emotional support yacht 🎀
My 5-year-old who just turned 5 talks about being 5 like she’s reached the peak of adulthood, “I’m 5 now.” Relax girlfriend you can’t even open your own fruit snacks.
I got mad at a rock today.
I chopped it in half with my lightsaber.
Now there are two rocks.
Send help. Now.
[outside a blazing house]
Firefighter: …
Me: …
Firefighter: …
Me: … There was a spider.
Hiking is useful if you like the outdoors, fitness, or finding new and interesting places to dispose of bodies
Is there anything better than a hug or taking a tinkle after a 9 hour car ride?