I win arguments with cab drivers by getting out of the cab and leaving the door open.
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I made the mistake of smelling one of my 6yo’s socks to see if it was dirty. I will now just assume all socks are dirty.
I think that at least twice a week it should be acceptable to fall asleep with your clothes on and change to your pj’s to go to work
Cat 911: what’s your emergency
Cat: my human is bleeding to death!
911: stay calm. what happened
Cat: she tried to pet my stomach so i bit her
911:
Cat:
911: hahahaha
Cat: hahahaHA
Cat Paramedics: *arriving on scene* HAHAHAHA
Thinking about writing an online essay titled ‘Fog doesn’t have a specific smell’ to take down the scented candle industrial complex.
Stop telling your kid “We’re leaving in 5 minutes.” They have no idea what that means. Nor do they care
When you do drugs, you’re also doing all the drugs that those drugs have done.
Me, feeling an arrow sliding by my hair to end up on a tree while I hear chubby baby crying : Not today, Cupid
Apparently, changing your profile to “Flirty, dirty and a little squirty” gets you kicked out of Christian Mingle.
I asked my driving instructor if I passed my driving test, he told me “no” as we swam ashore.
My oldest kid had a little art show this morning, and not to be out done, my youngest did a performance piece entitled: lying on the floor of the art show and refusing to get up
If you find your cat reading a book titled “To Serve Man,” I’m just going to warn you right now, those are recipes. Cats aren’t servants.
#rubbishjokes
I don’t like Russian dolls.They are so full of themselves.
Especially if it’s THAT one … 🤣
Not now, I’m looking up fun crafts you can make with nuclear waste on Pinterest
ER Doc: you know you could have avoided these 3rd degree burns by walking away from the explosion at regular speed
Me: did it look cool tho
“Go ahead, caller. . .”
“Yes, hello. My dog dug up a femur and I’d like to make soup. Would you suggest carrots or potatoes?”
“We’re all in this together” used to sound comforting — until I realized it means I’m relying on a lot of stupid Americans to stay alive.
Simultaneously brilliant and awful.
Dogs are too pure for this world 🥺🥺
#goldenretriever #dogs
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
“C’mon man, just as far as Cincinnati. I got a cousin there.”
[Takes out scrunchie and shakes out my slicked back ponytail] Take the mugshot again.
6500 languages in the world and you decide you want to talk shit.
I got pulled over for speeding just outside Atlanta. The cop asked why I was in town, I said to do stand up, he asked me to tell him a joke, I told a really dirty one, he didn’t give me a ticket. Honestly, one of my all-time highest paid stand up gigs!!!
Apparently Zoom sleepovers are a thing and my 11yo is “going” to one tonight.
Now instead of one household taking one for the team and listening 6 preteen girls all night.
6 households have to listen to 6 preteen girls all night.
Thanks 2020!!!
Finally! 😈
Her: I was robbed! They took EVERYTHING except some wire coat hangers and my Justin Bieber CD.
Me: I wonder why they left the hangers?
Please. Old people. When you comment on a Facebook pic you don’t need to end with Love, James. WE CAN SEE YOUR NAME YOU’RE NOT AN OSTRICH
Wait, what’s that noise?
Is there a dying cat outside?
Oh…no…it’s just a 50 yr old man racing a remote control car down the road.
Statistics show that the average person has sex 89 times a year….looks like I’m in for a flipping wild December