“Oh, my, god. Becky, look at her butt!”
“DOCTOR PLEASE SHE IS CODING! NOW IS NOT THE TIME!”
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If hotels can skip the 13th floor why the hell can’t we skip Mondays?
A couple: *kissing in public*
Me: *perched in a nearby tree* Booooo
Really? Still no Kate? Has anyone even tried yelling Marco?
If you answer the phone and say “Hello, you’re on the air.” most telemarketers will hang up quickly.
the three branches of government
NYT: No, we did not make Wordle harder. We promise.
Also NYT: Today’s Wordle is KHYBX — which everyone knows is a popular 11th century Latin delicacy derived from quicksand extract. Duh.
Overheard:
“Why is this guy listening to our conversation?”
Leave Twitter just because it’s lacking infrastructure and is terribly understaffed?
Babe, I’m a public school teacher 😅
[hears a voice in the sky]
– Is it you? GOD?!
[kneels]
Voice: Could the idiot on platform 4 stop kneeling every time I make an announcement?
CEO: We need to come up with a brand name for these sticks of bread.
Guy who named the meatball: *takes deep breath
I’m rubber, you’re glue. I’m destroying the planet and you are made of dead horses
Him: What are you doing tomorrow?
Me: I was thinking maybe a chocolate croissant for breakfast.
Him: *sighs*
Me: Oh, you mean between meals.
God: you’re a decapod.
Crab: what does that mean?
God: it means you have 10 legs.
Crab: b-but that’s too many legs.
God: at least you don’t have a hundred.
Crab: why would someone have a hundred legs?
Centipede: yes God why would someone have a hundred legs?
“Should I vomit at 1am or 3am? Maybe both.”
It’s true I hear voices in my head but they speak Russian so I have absolutely no idea what they’re saying
Absolutely no one:
8 yo: I’D RATHER BE RAISED BY DUCKS
Ironically, I only know of one person with the name Common.
Me “I AM THE CHOSEN ONE!”
Wife “Don’t be so dramatic. Everyone gets jury duty sometime”.
Phew
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Phew ✔
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PhewThe Chosen Phew
“What are we doing here, Marcy?”
“Seeing how I’d look with bangs.”
I hope the woman who forgot the word “iced” and so asked me for a caramel macchiato “on the rocks” yesterday is doing well
It shakes the bottle vigorously or else it gets the pre-ketchup.
Changing my name to Shotgun so my friends call me
“Sorry, boss. I can’t come in today.”
“Why not?”
[fakes a sore throat]
“I’m in jail for vehicular manslaughter.”
I’m so glad our local rats are getting to go on vacation
SOCRATES: [dying] Plato, my dear pupil, I’ve always wanted to tell you something.
PLATO: Yes, my teacher.
SOCRATES: I often made sweet sweet love to your mom. Now please take good care of my documents.
…
PLATO: [Socrates’s funeral] Too bad he left us no writing.
Taking applications for a semi pro story telling back scratcher.
Must work nights.
ME: Okay, going out of town for 4 days, so I need 4 days of clothes.
MY BRAIN: Cool, cool cool cool… What if you actually need every shirt you’ve ever owned tho?
Me: So, you come here often?
Him: …..we’re in my house.
Just found out my wife is pregnant.
Considering we haven’t had sex in two years, we’ve decided to name him Jesus