I wipe my counters with raw chicken breasts because I refuse to have weak children.
You Might Also Like
[prison]
CELLMATE: what are you in for?
ME: (actually in jail for jumping a fence to hug a panda) murder
I represented criminals before I switched to divorce law. Not one accused murderer or drug dealer ever scared me more than the soccer mom who just found out her husband is cheating on her with the PTA Vice President.
If you eat enough ice cream
your clothes will shrink. Weeeeird.
Mugger: “Give me your wallet and watch.”
*hand over my wallet*
Me: “Okay, I’m watching.”
“I wanna know who is responsible for this!”
-Me to my parents, while pointing at myself.
I’m always Beware #MakesMeCautious
I’m guessing the best thing about being a zombie is knowing the dance routine to “Thriller”.
Wife: Please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[Later]
Them: So how did you two meet?
Me: I did NOT buy her on eBay
Girl are you a prescription from my doctor ’cause you might be good for me but I can’t read you at all.
Women are from Venus, men are wrong.
You really shouldn’t label sandwiches, I mean they have a right to exist in a world without labels and judgements just like everyone else.
[Element Support Group]
Fire: I’ve been having a hard time controlling my temper
Water: I’ve been welling up a bit more often too
Earth: I think we all just need to feel more grounded
Wind: Man you guys whine a lot
Surprise: Well I didn’t see that coming
Them: Why are you single?
Me: *flashes back to the time I went out with a really tall guy and couldn’t stop laughing because I could see up his nose* It’s a mystery, really.
doctor: you need a knee replacement
me: great i would like slinkies
If you or someone you love have gone to work today, you may be entitled compensation.
My vocabulary can beat your vocabulary’s ass, arse, bum, buttocks, rear end, booty, backside, tush, tuckus and badonkadonk.
I set my alarm in a way to try to trick morning-me into getting up earlier, but morning-me is a math wizard and cannot be fooled.
Having a Twitter account is the equivalent of running away to join the circus.
wife: ugh the baby’s been crying for hours, can you take over?
me: sure *starts crying for hours*
Basically every plane is missing to me. I couldn’t tell you where a single plane is
I was raised Catholic. I know all the rules. And I broke most of them. 😈
[first day as a cashier]
customer: can I use this coupon for toilet paper
me: why don’t you use the rolls that you’re buying
“have you heard about the Nu covid variant”
“no, what’s it called?”
“the Nu variant”
“yeah what’s it called”
“no, it’s literally spelled N U, Nu”
“haha wow, who named it that?”
“yes”
I won’t believe we’ve evolved as humans until no one ever bites the inside of their cheeks again.
“I don’t even own a book” – Medieval Hipster
I’m not a god.
I’m a regular guy who just happens to be immortal and perfect in every way.
There’s a difference.
my psychiatrist told me i seem like i do improv and i literally don’t even know how to take that
All those Tarot cards and not one person at Burning Man saw this coming.
Drive thru window: Sorry, did you want fries with that?
My brain: He’s asking because you look like you eat a lot of potatoes
me: *playing hopscotch* you sure you don’t want a turn?
guy: *hugging elevator wall tightly* yes