I wipe my counters with raw chicken breasts because I refuse to have weak children.
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Imagine being in a band with Freddie Mercury and thinking “maybe I’ll sing this next one”
I’m not like other girls. I have 1L of butter chicken sauce in my purse
It’s not illegal to get in a taxi and scream until you’ve reached your destination.
Sorry dinner took so long! My son wanted to help and he had never used a can opener, so…the tuna casserole took about six hours longer than it should have. But he learned so much in that time.
Bon appetit!
If we are eating peas and one falls in the floor my husband can’t wait to say someone “pead on the floor”
Him: Sometimes I worry about you.
Me: Yeah, I worry about me, too.
STEPS TO FOLD A FITTED SHEET
1) PUT SHEET ON BED
2) FOLD BED
I don’t know what upsets me more, the fact that that guy stole my tweet or that he only got 2 retweets off of it
We’ve been having a problem here at work with guys spending too.much time in the restrooms. Not to get out if work but because the air conditioning in there is fantastic.
-tweet sent from stall #3
Any time I see a couple jogging together, I try to figure out which one of them is unhappy about it.
The chickens in my neighbor’s coop collectively scuttle away from me. They know. They know what I’ve done.
Nothing says “I m not interested” quite as loudly as showing up for a date
Friday night plans
*break into plastic surgeon’s office
*put goldfish in the silicone implants
*sneak away undetected
*giggle like a maniac
me: any clue how my house burned down
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
Luke, I am your father. Man you should see your face right now. It’s all like waaaaaat no way.
Sometimes, you have to ask yourself: is my potato cheating on me?
[emergency]
[super hero appears]
GUY: It’s Doesn’t-Understand-Rhetorical-Questions Man. Boy, am I glad to see you!
HERO: I…I don’t know
Therapist: Are you two still romantic?
Me: I left him a heart made of post-it notes on the bathroom mirror last week.
Husband: There were chores written on all of them.
still not “these beanie babies are going to be worth so much later on” rich and it hurts.
Is there a term for when you unlock your car but you get caught talking to a coworker in the parking lot and the car re-locks itself before you open the door but when you park at home and forget to lock it it stays unlocked?
Pixar: How did you get past security?
Me: *out of breath* I have such a good name for a Ratatouille sequel, Rata-
Pixar, sighing: Rata2ille?
Me: -touille 2 oh man yours is so good
wild how someone lied about how they got pregnant 2000 years ago and now i have an air fryer
There’s a deaf couple fighting in the car in front of me in this parking lot & I kinda want to stay & watch because their signs are getting bigger & more yelly
I heard you like bad boys?
*jumps in pool after eating without waiting an hour*
Sup.
It’s like my cat doesn’t even appreciate it when I take the time to rake his litter box like a Zen Garden.
“heyyyy you’re on speaker” is code for “please don’t say anything bad about the people i’m with”
The older I get, the less ‘life in prison’ becomes a deterrent.
Other parents don’t want to be friends with us once they find out our child folds his own laundry and doesn’t need braces.
911: Ma’am the emails are coming from your garden! Get out of the yard now!! A botanist is on the way!
Spinach: *laughs maniacally*