I wish Adele would hurry up and put out another album so I could end this relationship.
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me: father’s day means so much to us single dads
wife: uhhh…we’re married
me: right, but I’m the only dad
8y/o: What’s sex?
ME: [slightly uncomfortable] Umm. Well, what it is, umm-
8y/o: [to friend] Told ya he wouldn’t know. Pay up
If you legally change your name to ‘You’re Free to Go’ then it’s impossible to get arrested.
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
Me as a therapist: omg same
Dr: any side effects from that new medicine?
Me plopping myself down onto his lap: it makes me overly affectionate
You look like you come from a long line of restraining orders.
jfc that’s a stupid idea and someone could get hurt so when can we do it?
I prefer to dance when someone is watching, you know, in case I need medical attention.
How are we supposed to fear a storm named Grayson? I’m fighting an urge to iron its prep school uniform or ask it for investment advice.
Welcome to your 40s. You now have one random eyebrow hair that grows faster than the rest
Once again I find myself online shopping for a velvet cloak at 4am. But fear not, me. one day you will be online shopping for something else at 4am whilst wearing a beautiful velvet cloak.
It must be hard to judge a wet t-shirt contest. I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.
When she rips his shirt open in the movies, it’s sexy and romantic. But when I try it, he’s all “Your Pap smear is normal, but please don’t do that with your toes every time”.
once i realized that sugar is from cane and is clearly a vegetable, the diet really came together on its own
My biggest fear is getting a 200 page email that ends with “Thoughts?”
She loves me
[forgets to run the dishwasher]
She loves me not
What’s the most ridiculous rule you’ve seen a HOA enforce? Mine was the neighbour who got told off for growing the wrong kind of lavender
wife: go see if the baby sleeping
*walks into baby’s room*
baby: corporations exploit our
insecurities for profitme: no babe she woke af
But I meant it as a compliment when I said your baby looks like a pug.
How many people in America do you think I can trick into believing that Brexit is the name of one of Sarah Palin’s kids?
Establish dominance by walking around a Spirit Halloween dressed as Santa Claus.
I’ve seen Terminator, and THERE WILL BE NO SMART APPLIANCES AT MY HOUSE
My Kid: (handing me balloons) Daddy, can you make balloon animals?
Me: uh…sure… I can make an eel, or a snake…
My Kid: I want a poodle.
Me:…or a worm…
My Kid: POODLE!
Disney say they’re going to make Mickey Mouse’s hands smaller for “realism”.
Well, not on my watch.
twitter is a journey
If by axe throwing, you mean throw all of my son’s body spray in the trash because he uses it so much, then yes I’ll go axe throwing with you.
they should make stand up horror. i’m tired of laughing, i wanna scream at a bar
Twitter takes me places I’ve never been before. Take oncoming traffic for example.
there are few problems in life that can’t be solved by being presented with new and even bigger problems 🎭