@myonlymizztake

I wish Adele would hurry up and put out another album so I could end this relationship.

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@JohnHilsen

The sauciest 1% of Americans are saucier than the bottom 95% combined.

@zachreinert03

My grandma married 2 men named Grover. I think she just had a thing for the name Grover, because she also married 2 women named Grover

@Sickayduh

I’m glad the guy who came up with “No means no” didn’t do the whole dictionary

@FredTaming

prosecutor: why did you murder that man

me: i thought he was cake

prosecutor: you “thought” he was cake?

me:

prosecutor:

me: i hoped he was cake

@yobrah_

I usually base my religious and political beliefs on flyers and pamphlets handed to me on the street.

@DrDogMD

DR DOG: Please remove your shoes & step on the scale
PATIENT: Ok
DR DOG: I’ll be right back *carries the shoes out of the room in his mouth*

@Brianhopecomedy

Just saw that my wife was googling ballroom dancing lessons and now I’m hoping that she’s having an affair.