We’re all different. For example, some folks get up early to exercise… And others get up early to eat cookies before the kids wake up.
I wish airlines would stop calling it your “final destination” have they not seen those movies?
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ROBIN: golly, Batman, how can we distract them?
BATMAN: *pushing him in* we’ll think of something, chum
ME: i’m writing a book about lame cars
HER: what’s it called
ME: sorry, no spoilers
COMPUTER: HINT: name of best friend
C: Jen sounds nice
C: Is Jen single?
C: Answer the question. Is Jen single?
Mistook a discarded plastic bag for a rat today as the wind blew it across my path. On the plus side, I can now perform the ‘Gangnam Style’.
Two eggs, some bacon, and a piece of toast walk into a bar. The bartender says, hey! We don’t serve breakfast here. #Tellyourworstjoke
To whoever stole my thesaurus, you made my day bad. I hope bad things happen to you. You’re a bad person.
Based on a survey of yard signs in my neighborhood, it appears “Drive Like Your Kids Live Here” has a slight lead over both the Democratic and Republican candidates.
Do you prefer to deal with things in person or over the phone?
So apparently “You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my real dad!” isn’t of much use when dealing with armed cops.