@OhNoSheTwitnt

I wish airlines would stop calling it your “final destination” have they not seen those movies?

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@LoveNLunchmeat

We’re all different. For example, some folks get up early to exercise… And others get up early to eat cookies before the kids wake up.

@DrCephalopod

[shark-filled moat]
ROBIN: golly, Batman, how can we distract them?
BATMAN: *pushing him in* we’ll think of something, chum

@ClichedOut

ME: i’m writing a book about lame cars

HER: what’s it called

ME: sorry, no spoilers

@batkaren

COMPUTER: HINT: name of best friend
ME: Jen
C: Jen sounds nice
M: Wh-what?
C: Is Jen single?
M: Uh…
C: Answer the question. Is Jen single?

@krishna_van

Mistook a discarded plastic bag for a rat today as the wind blew it across my path. On the plus side, I can now perform the ‘Gangnam Style’.

@BillyYvonne

Two eggs, some bacon, and a piece of toast walk into a bar. The bartender says, hey! We don’t serve breakfast here. #Tellyourworstjoke

@Pundamentalism

To whoever stole my thesaurus, you made my day bad. I hope bad things happen to you. You’re a bad person.

@TuSoonShakur

Based on a survey of yard signs in my neighborhood, it appears “Drive Like Your Kids Live Here” has a slight lead over both the Democratic and Republican candidates.

@mattgallo123

<job interview>
Do you prefer to deal with things in person or over the phone?

me: no

@chris_isloi

So apparently “You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my real dad!” isn’t of much use when dealing with armed cops.