I wish airlines would stop calling it your “final destination” have they not seen those movies?
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I think my wife has been moonlighting at the north pole. That is only explanation for why her feet are so cold when she gets into bed
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
I’m so bad at making decisions that whenever I hit a yellow light I scream, open my car door and throw myself out
My cat has Peta on speed dial in case the day should ever come when his pillows aren’t properly fluffed or his filtered water grows tepid.
Motel 6: We’ll leave a light on.
Motel 6’s Dad: You will not.
Being nice is exhausting, which is why evil people have so much energy.
There’s no one I respect more than duck hunters. You spent $15,000 on a camouflage boat to outsmart a duck.
I love working puzzles with my 5yo. Especially when she cries that she can’t figure out where the pieces go then yells at me when I try to help.
My daughter is so excited to climb the rope in gym class today that I’m starting to doubt she’s mine.
when no one is looking, squirrels use donuts as hula hoops
Husband: So we’ve basically given up.
Me: On what?
H: *gestures to 4yo carefully piling spaghetti on his head*: Parenting.
Me: (seeing 16 walk into house shivering in short sleeve shirt) When you left the house, you were wearing your new hoodie. Where is it?
16: She didn’t bring a jacket. She was cold. She’ll just give it back to me tomorrow. Why are you laughing?
[getting murdered]
me: my computer has a virus, so u could say
[murdering pauses]
me: i’ve been hacked twice today lol
[murdering intensifies]
Shoutout to all the ‘Hi’s in my message requests. I admire your imagination
Have you tried sticking your head in a bag of rice?
-me, as a therapist
My Twitter bio was too long so I’m putting it here
Blue smoke – Boy
Pink smoke – Girl
White smoke – Pope
Wife: Will he still able to play the accordion?
Doc: Ma’am, your husband has no brain function whatsoever
Wife: So yes then
Saw a woman on a dating site who says she’s looking for God. I’m thinking she’s not His type.
9yo: My least favorite letter is “c” because it’s not fair that it can be an “s” or “k” sound.
Me:
9yo:
Me: Can I go back to sleep now?
Oh, dearest paracetamol,
A mystery to me,
Why sometimes you cost £1.10,
But sometimes 20p.
My kid just announced that when he’s a grown up he’s going to go to the ice cream shop every day, and now I want to be a grown up too
INTERVIEWER: thank u, those are all my questions. do u hav any questions for us
ME: yes…why do i want this job
INTERVIEWER: [starts sweatig]
“When are you due?”
Insulted, she flashes me a glare and relocates to another seat.
My eyes stay fixed on the library book she left behind.
If you can read this, you’re standing too close to my iPhone!
“There are enough donuts here to last a lifetime!” thought Jerome, his nose twitching with excitement. Three hours later, he found himself sprawled on his back in a shallow puddle of milk at the bottom of the bowl, staring at the ceiling, feeling overwhelmed by shame and regret.
Doctor: We need you to spit in this cup.
Me, making unbroken eye contact: Ptooey.
My patronus is a cheeseburger
We are taking care of my friend’s dog for the rest of the month.
She’s been with us about 45 minutes so far. My boyfriend has said “I love you” three times already.
It took at least six months of dating before we said that to each other.