Last year I ate out alone on Valentine’s Day. To avoid embarrassment, I yacked the whole time with a lovely couple the next table over.
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Them: for a million dollars would you-
Me: I’m gonna stop you right there because you probably don’t want to know what I’m willing to do for a million dollars
When did they decide that every razor had to look like a piece that fell off a Transformer?
ME: …and that’s what the ‘sine’ function is used for
MY SON: I will never have to know this again in my life
ME: Oh you will son, trust me
{20 years later…}
MY GRANDSON: Dad?
MY SON: Yes?
MY GRANDSON: What’s the ‘sine’ function used for?
[during sex]
her: choke me
me: {drops a popcorn kernel into the back of her throat}
No Teflon coated pan has ever been a match for my husband and his love of stirring with sharp utensils.
Psst. The real reason Ryan Gosling is taking a break from acting was to molt, mature & become Ryan Goose.
I have Tourettes syndrome, but instead of swearing, I yell out movies that Nicolas Cage has been in
If you’re reading this message then something has gone wrong with my experiment and I apologize for what is about to happen to the eggs in your fridge
I don’t think this is talked about enough but Airbnbs have led to there being too many cushions in the world.
I forgot the word “umbrella” so I offered to share my roof on a stick.
nothing like a slow cooked sausage
Mad Max: Furry Road
Apparently when your wife says “let’s make a baby,” she doesn’t mean assemble an infant from clay and chant The Old Words inside a pentagram
i hired way too many actors for my movie about weather. it was overcast, is what im saying
[15:00]
I’m not really feeling this edible.[15:30]
*trying to order chinese food from starbucks*
[Hide and seek]
Police officer: how long has he been missing?
Wife: a few hours
Police officer: describe him
Wife: 5′ 10, brown hair *raises voice* and he hates dogs
Me from the bushes: no he doesn’t
“I am Daenerys Targaryen. The Unburnt. Mother of Dragons. Breaker of chains. Que-”
Job interviewer: Three references is fine.
friend: “ok, when does a joke become a ‘dad joke’?”
me, with no hesitation: “when it becomes apparent”
Black Friday through the years:
2005: 5am
2010: 3am
2012: 12am
2013: Thursday 8pm
2014: Thursday
2020: 4th of July
Hey, remember me from last night? You gave me the wrong number but I found you on Facebook. I’m on your porch. Can I come in?
[while listening to halloween sounds cd I bought] spooky huh [friend on road trip with me] yeah but got anythin else its like a 6 hour drive
Me: I just played the “poop in a bag” trick on our neighbor
Wife: Haha! Where’d you find the dog poop?
Me: …dog?
Realized I never said “unquote” after reciting a famous poem in 10th grade. Sorry if you thought everything I’ve said since is Shakespeare
Remember when we used to call the “self check-out” – ‘Theft’?
I love birthdays! My boyfriend rented a special hotel room for us to fight in.
The writing’s on the wall because I have a 4 year old
No One:
My Family: Please check the menu of this restaurant we’re going to eat at in six months and let us know what you want.
I predict that Obama’s next move is to threaten to hold his breath until Russia leaves the Crimea.
I lost my virginity once and lemme tell you…
NEVER. AGAIN.
Why is it, once you pick up a flyswatter, the little buggers never land