Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
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For some reason I’m an extremely secretive
person. Don’t ask me why
Coworker: Guess what I’m doing this weekend.
Me: No
I bet nobody noticed Superman flying around at first, so Clark just started pointing out every bird and plane until it caught on
Doctor: You have acute alcoholism.
Me: Thanks, but let me tell you it’s not very cute in the morning.
My kid just told me that the 10/10 I got on an attractiveness scale is “just a totally random number and doesn’t actually mean anything”, if you’re in the market for an assassin.
They say if a cranky baby won’t sleep, take a nice long car ride…
*hands cab driver $200, goes back to bed*
What idiot called it a successful vasectomy and not getting out of the gene pool
I work for the government which means I have to enter 2 passwords in order to print documents that are open to the public.
greetings!
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
[at fire-station]
“I’m putting together a naked firemen calendar and wondered if you guys would like to be involved?”
“Sure. What charity is it for?”
“Charity?”
I saw this post on Tumblr awhile ago and I liked the visual so much I had to draw it
🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀
You have advice? For me? I have a $5 Starbucks gift card that’s older than you.
Why did they call it a drawn-on six pack and not an abs tract painting.
[first day as marriage counselor]
HER: we’re trying to have a baby
ME: ok I’ll step outside
Me: Can I stick a finger in it?
Wife: No.
M: C’mon, it’ll be HOT.
W: …
M: Just my pinky?
W: Keep away from the sauce and go set the table.
Dads love inspecting a small injury like a splinter and saying “looks like we’ll have to amputate”.
The last two weeks have been a strange ten years.
[things I worry about on vacation]
1) Getting eaten by a shark
2) Worrying that I didn’t get eaten by a shark because it assumed I tasted funny
What I really love about Air Fresheners is how it makes your bathroom smell like someone just shit in your rose garden…
There’s a new trend in China where people make and eat spiceless “white people lunch”, as form of self torture.
And their commentary has me crying 😭
Current fitness level: my arm gave out while blow drying my hair.
wife: u should’ve paid more attention in school
me: what why
wife: u brought home the wrong kids
The Hurricane came through here like a tornado
-Lady on the News just now
I don’t want to live on this planet anymore
I wish there were a specific ring you could wear that meant “I’m not married but I don’t want men to talk to me”
[phone rings]
“Is your refrigerator running?”
*looks over at fridge holding a lighter up to a spoon*
“I don’t know what he’s doing anymore.”
How to flirt:
1. Giggle
2. Apply lip gloss
3. Look down coyly
4. Realize you applied concealer
5. Fall off barstool
I can count the people I trust on my middle finger.
Him: Maybe you should start counting your calories
Me: Maybe you should start counting your days
Cooking fresh fruit with sugar is my jam.