I wish all tests were things you peed on

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Me: I’m gonna lose weight.
Me: I’m gonna exercise every day.
Me: I’m gonna go on a diet and stick to it.
Me: Is that cake?


Isn’t it so awkward when you misplace a Rolex? It’s like, do I want to tell people that there’s a free Rolex on the loose? Relatable, right?


Boss: I’m following you on Twitter.

Me: Sweet! ‘Nother follower!

[Days later]

Me: Oh wait. Shit.


Thanks to whoever invented the mute button, because I can poop while on a conference call.


Coyotes are dangerous, stay away.
If you keep this in mind, you will lessen your chances of being hit by an anvil.


*breaks glass*
*pulls fire alarm*
Great, now that you’re all here, I want to correct this impression in the office that I’m weird.


Plagiarism is bad? Change a few words, that shit is yours. It’s like when you change a baby’s clothes- new baby. New baby that’s yours now.


I saw a man getting ready to fight someone and he took out his airpods and gave them to his friends like they were hoops


HANNIBAL: thanks for coming over for dinner

HALF-EATEN CANADIAN: thanks for having me