I wish all tests were things you peed on

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My 8 year old daughter can already read at a 5th grade level and ignore me at a 12th grade level.


PROFESSORR: So, Attilla’s rise had a lot of unintended consequences.
ME: *Raises hand*
PROFESSOR: Yes, Andrew?
ME: Hunintended.
PROFESSOR: Thank you, Andrew.


I’m sorry. I know I said hi, but I wasn’t really prepared for any follow-up conversation.


barista: room for cream?

me: oh you must be new *puts hand on his shoulder* that’s called a refrigerator


snow white broke into a house in the woods and did chores. wow, boring. goldilocks, the true hero, broke in to a house, made some judgements, and then took a nap. i have no notes


My service cat has walked me into traffic 14 times today.


Whenever someone tells me they have an IQ of 140, I wonder if that’s Fahrenheit or centigrade.


No matter how lazy you feel, just remember that Goldilocks decided to take a nap during a b&e.


If I was a magician I’d ask someone in the audience for a $20 bill and then just run away. You could prob make like $40 doing that.


America’s Got (a very loose definition of what constitutes) Talent.