I wish all tests were things you peed on
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I called my girlfriend using my friend’s phone, she picked the call & said “hi sweetheart”, she knew it’s me even when I didn’t speak a word, TRUE LOVE EXISTS. ❤️❤️🥺🥺💋💋😘😘
[first day as hostage negotiater]
me: [taking the phone] yyyyyelllo
[loud explosion from inside the bank]
<- sleeps well with others
What idiot named them Minions and not Gru-pies
You make me want to be a better sentence completer.
Accidentally dialed 911 so I set my neighbor’s house on fire so I wouldn’t look stupid.
#SignsAGuyDoesntLikeYou he takes a long time to reply to your letters and blames it on the “prison mail system”
Me: (seeing 16 walk into house shivering in short sleeve shirt) When you left the house, you were wearing your new hoodie. Where is it?
16: She didn’t bring a jacket. She was cold. She’ll just give it back to me tomorrow. Why are you laughing?
[Travels back in time]
Me: Abe, what do you think America looks like in the future?
Lincoln: United as one nation…
Me: Wrong! FATTER.
Apparently walking backwards reduces cellulite and bonus I bet muggers would avoid you.
My son is screaming his head off in his room but there’s no way I’m going in there if his monster reports are true.
Any bar is a karaoke bar if you’re drunk enough.
Once again I feel like I slept in a washing machine.
I hope the guy who just cut me off in traffic goes to that hotel in the shining and opens the elevator and it’s just filled with hot dog water
They call Japan the “Land of the Rising Sun”. Is that why they look like they’re squinting all the time?
[high school reunion]
Amanda: wow, you haven’t changed a bit
me: [covered in acne and wearing faded Pokemon shirt]: yeah I know
I heard a coworker describe his hospital stay as “being checked from the rooter to the tooter.”
Come back later for more stuff I hear at work.
1. Ice *check*
2. Ice *check*
3. Baby *calls 911*– Freezer Inspector –
Me before a guy comes over: I have to clean my entire home. Every room must be immaculate. Even the rooms we are unlikely to occupy need to be spotless
Guy: if I see so much as a speck of dust I will not have sex with this person
When Americans say Math instead of Maths I find it so damn exy
betcha they beat the robot dinosaurs by transforming into an asteroid.
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
*falls from grace*
PARKOUR!
My kids are so aware that I’m a bad driver that if I start the car before they have their seatbelts on, they cry.
Rain chat:
“Did you hear the rain last night?”
“Yeah it kept me awake”
“Same! What time did you get to sleep?”
“I’m not sure. When did you?”
“About three I think but then it woke me up again”
“Same. I even went downstairs at one point”
“Yeah I should’ve done that”
Me: “Hey doc, what’s that condition where you wake up and everything hurts?”
Doctor: “40”
[baby finally falls asleep]
ME: *tip toes to couch* I can finally relax
DOG: I’M GONNA BARK FOR NO REASON
In an alternate universe, an alligator is wearing a shirt with a tiny picture of me sewn on it.