i wish all
whales
a very
big
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[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
Alcohol
“Umm ok, how about strengths?”
*pouring him a shot* Sharing
Seeing all this inclusion on TV and movies now is making me feel like I grew up in the 1800s…when only my knees did
About to go for a run, because shoplifting
[waking from 10 yr coma] Where am I?
“Don’t worry. You’re home in America”
But…I’m Swedish!
“World Emperor Trump will explain everything”
Erm I’m gonna say no
My dad can get into “dad-mode” sometimes. He’s a doctor who is worried about the virus, and told me, his 24 year old son, in a 5 min rant that this isn’t the time to be trying to have a lot of “play-dates”. So if you were trying to play after school im sorry my dad said we cant
My kid at 8am: Mommy!
Me: Yes, my love?My kid at 8pm: Mommy!
Me: WHAAATTTTTTTTTTTTTT NOWWWWW?!
I would like to be a zombie because when someone asked me if I had a boyfriend I could just eat them.
The U.S. Army developed a pizza that stays good for 3 years. Finally, those billions in military spending paid off. Your move, Al Qaeda.
I don’t think anyone anticipated this stage of corporate dystopia
* Aggressively aggresses your aggressions into aggressivity. *
Look Mr. Wendy’s, I ordered a chicken club and you gave me a stupid sandwich. I have a car full of chickens on ecstasy here. Help me out.
Every funeral is open-casket if you’ve got a crowbar and a sense of adventure.
My kids were helping me clean & then they asked what their reward would be.
Um how about you continue to live here?
There weren’t any open tables at this sports bar so I yelled “Chad, you left your Jeep lights on!” and now I can sit wherever I want.
Me: I can’t wait to get naked and be inside you!
Sleeping bag salesman: ….. so did I mention there’s a non-return policy on those?
I hate it when I’m on twitter & there isn’t a car behind me to honk when the light is green.
Important news x ( everyone needs this on a Monday morning )
Whats this kids eat free bullshit. When was the last time you saw a 4 year old pick up the lunch tab??They always eat free
Haha, jokes on you wordle, I was struggling to find words long before it was cool
“Not all guys wearing Flannel shirts are Lumberjacks.” *hits tree with axe* ” Take me for example. I just hate trees.”
DATE: Let’s go to your place.
ME: We’ll take my car *pulls out Hot Wheels car*
DATE: …
ME: Just kidding.
DATE: Oh, thank God.
ME: I don’t have a place. I’m homeless.
What’s the matter, babe?
You haven’t touched any of your Shrekfast.
“I really wish I could squeeze that piano over and over” – guy who invented the accordion
i’ll see your “live laugh love” sign and raise you an “ew, people”
[at Starbucks]
Barista: Coffee?
Me: Yes, a medium please
Coffee: I’m strongly sensing the presence of your great grand aunt Lucille
If you see something, say something.
My dog: i got this
Hey boy, are you the tasks written on my whiteboard? Because I don’t plan on doing you
Shipwreck survivors on an island
S1: We told you to spell ‘SOS’ with those coconuts!
S2: I know but I want our rescuers to know I’m a vegan.
Roadtripping with my family has taught me that my marriage can withstand anything except roadtripping with my family.