I wish Bill Clinton would stop pointing his finger at everyone, Lord knows where that finger has been. #DNC #DirtyPoonTang
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Gotta love those girls in department stores wearing lab coats–taking time away from their experiments to help women out with their makeup.
My dad to me: When I was a kid, people would suffer paralysis and death from Polio.
Me to my son: When I was a kid, hand dryers barely did anything.
And then he tweeted…..
“SEE YOU IN COURT”
After just LOSING IN COURT‼️
Forget the wolf. I’m hungry like my cat when she hears any kind of container being opened.
My signature move is parking closely to the sports car at the end of the lot taking up four spaces.
*Roommate recording a lullaby album in his room*
*me banging on his door* HEY!! Can you sing a little louder?? I’m trying to sleep!!
Robin: “Let me drive the Batmobile!”
Batman: “Never. I’d rather let Superman.”
*wall breaks down*
Superman: “OMG really??”
Batman: “No.”
Someone asked me why I was wearing a fake AirPod… bro that’s my hearing aid
Overheard two American tourists as they walked past the chemist: “I didn’t know New Zealand had pharmacies. I didn’t even know they had medicine.”
*changes the spelling of ‘team’ to ‘teaim’*
Well that’s one problem everyone talks about fixed.
My beef with you is that you’re too chicken to pork me.
Dear Girl Scouts,
Your Mints did not make me Thin.
ps. Please send more.
My son keeps running around naked, so I sprayed him with Windex. It’s supposed to prevent streaking.
Instead of taking melatonin just pay me to come to your home each night and I’ll tell you about my accounting job
My dog just watched me take my contacts out and I think she may need therapy now.
[leaving birthday party]
wife: Drive safe, we have precious cargo *smiles at kids*
me *looking at the piece of cake in my lap* I know
HR: Alright people, let’s be a little more sensitive to Linda because she’s pregnant with child
Sally [who is pregnant with a hedgehog]: *sigh*
My fiancee knows that I would kill for her, and it’s really annoying that she hasn’t asked me to yet.
Just once in movies when someone gently shuts a dead person’s eyes I want them to whisper “Ew, ew, ew, ew.” while doing it.
PATIENT: How tough was medical school for a dog like you?
DR DOG: *thinking back on all the homework he ate* It wasn’t easy
Glen, the spatula: *giggling* ok ok shhhh watch this
Me: *trying to open the drawer* what the-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ* dammit-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ*
The other Utensils: *going nuts* GLEN! GLEN! GLEN! GLEN!
who called it an infinity scarf instead of a scaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Pulling the sword from the stone and getting immediately embarrassed, freaking out, trying to jam it back in but it’s like a USB flipped over. Texting the girls “help”
‘Behooves’ seems like a word only a fancy talking horse would use.
-me, at 3:42am
6: What is the skin of an M&M made of?
Me: Well that’s the creepiest way to ask that question.
I like to imagine the person who originated Head & Shoulders shampoo had really, really hairy shoulders.
*at Wal-Mart*
Husband: A couple is fighting on the cereal aisle
Me: It’s not us this time
*we fist bump*
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
Just ate a whole dictionary. It was alphabet soup, but I figure all the words were in there.
My neighbor said “I think the earth might be flat, sorry if I’m not politically correct.” no you’re just regular incorrect