Need to get rid of an annoying guest or person on the phone? Take a kazoo to the speaker and blow it directly into their ear.
You’re welcome.
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My wife and I come from very different backgrounds. Her family is French and Irish, and mine is suffocating and unstable.
Comcast: “Would you like to upgrade your Internet service to include cable?”
Me: “No thanks, the illegal downloading has that base covered.”
Me: 46 and out of shape
Also me: Looks around for NBA scouts any time I make a basket
I can’t wait to sleep in
My bladder: lmao
Friend is being kicked out of his flat that has a garden because the landlord wants to charge much, much higher rent. Friend has carefully removed every single thing he planted. Landlord: “it’s worth more with all the f***ing plants, how am I meant to get more rent now?!”
“Update Adobe or we’ll kill you”-flash mob
No One Puts Baby in the Corner: A Feng Shui Guide to Nurseries
My resume is just a piece of paper that says “Please don’t Google me.”
Me: Excuse me Father, what’s the Wifi password?
Priest: We’re in Church!
Me: Oh I’m sorry. What’s the Wifi password, Amen.
Yet again, autocorrect leads me ashtray.
Not me walking to the supermarket and feeling cute in my polka dot summer dress until an elderly woman stops to point out we’re wearing the same dress.
I don’t know why HR tell me I’m not allowed to use the fire extinguisher unless there’s a fire, then get cranky when I start one.
Had to put a scarecrow on my wind farm ’cause crows were eating all the wind.
Aragorn: If I can protect you, I will. You have my sword
Legolas: And you have my bow
Gimli: and my axe
Steve: and my 439 Twitter followers
Could you set a lightsaber on low and use it as a back scratcher?
Men should stop taking Viagra and start trying anxiety. That shit keeps you up way longer.
Nobody mentions the strain your marriage experiences when your spouse starts experimenting with turtle necks.
No horror movie will ever be as scary as the sight of the water going up instead of down when I flush the toilet.
I’m ready for a new relationship.
My past is buried in the backyard, to fertilize the tomatoes.
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: shape shifting
INTERVIEWER: is that so?
INTERVIEWER: yes
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
i’m so vulnerable to nostalgia. the sun will go down and i’ll be like “wow…..remember when the sun was up……..i miss who i was then”
{At therapists}
SIMBA: Once my dad let a monkey hold me over a cliff.
Bartenders should put a pink straw into every woman’s 4th drink, as a signal to all the men in the bar, that she’s ready.
My wife urged me to be more experimental in the bedroom, but I guess she wasn’t expecting I’d be dissecting so many white mice.
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
*runs for mayor*
Mayor: You’re outta shape
People said I was wasting my time playing Tetris, but here I am, loading the dishwasher like a beast.
Me: Leaving early. Taking my kid to an appointment
Boss: No, you’ve played your last kid card
Me: *slides kid card out from sleeve and slams it down on desk*
Boss: Sonofa
Tweet faster, America, things still aren’t fixed!