@juliussharpe

I wish Bond movies gave a more realistic view of his jet lag and traveler’s diarrhea.

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@Lisa_Laughs_

I forgot why I was retracing my steps so I gave up and re-retraced them back to bed.

@Lhlodder

Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you save from no longer having a social life.

@loribuckmajor

After exercising and eating right all week on Saturday I’m like the Kool-Aid man running into Chipotle.

@jonnysun

STOP disrespecting my family

my mom is THOUGHTFUL AND STRONG

my dad is PRINCIPLED AND SINCERE

my brother is SELFLESS AND KIND

me

my grandmother is A SAINT

@TheBoydP

You have to love a boss with a sense of humor. Mine just sent me a 7am meeting notice on Outlook and I’ve never laughed so hard…

@iamspacegirl

snow white’s glass casket was the original snow globe and if you think the dwarves didn’t fill it up with glitter and shake her around in there when they got sad, you’re a fool

@GroovyTasia

Him: Can you please stop using the bananas like they are phones

Me: But how am I supposed to contact the gorillas

Him: You’re unbelievable!

Gorilla *over banana*: When are you leaving him?