@juliussharpe

I wish Bond movies gave a more realistic view of his jet lag and traveler’s diarrhea.

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@Cheeseboy22

7 years ago to this day, I swallowed my gum and broke a mirror, so as you might imagine, this is a pretty big day for me.

@PopeAwesomeXIII

Mario:
– Only went outside because of a kidnapping.
– Kept to social-distancing whenever possible
– If something got too close, jumped from a safe distance and landed on its head.
– ate mushrooms to survive this surreal hellscape

Be like Mario.

@julezmac

Football is so cute it’s like some guys are like we’re gonna get you and one guys like no no no no

@UnFitz

I remember when things only cost an arm.

@Ygrene

Me: if you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine

7-11 Clerk: look man, we’re out of hotdogs, idk what to tell you

@mattgallo123

Everyone’s like “the things I want for Christmas can’t be bought.” And I’m like “Legos. I want legos.”

@RdrJay47

The only things certain in life are death, taxes, and forgetting my reusable grocery bags.

@Shen_the_Bird

Me: i knew you’d pull through

drug dealer: [passing vitamin gummies] just go to walgreens man

@iGreenMonk

No matter how rich or famous you become, when you die, the size of your funeral will still pretty much depend on the weather.