I wish Bond movies gave a more realistic view of his jet lag and traveler’s diarrhea.

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7 years ago to this day, I swallowed my gum and broke a mirror, so as you might imagine, this is a pretty big day for me.


– Only went outside because of a kidnapping.
– Kept to social-distancing whenever possible
– If something got too close, jumped from a safe distance and landed on its head.
– ate mushrooms to survive this surreal hellscape

Be like Mario.


Football is so cute it’s like some guys are like we’re gonna get you and one guys like no no no no


I remember when things only cost an arm.


Me: if you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine

7-11 Clerk: look man, we’re out of hotdogs, idk what to tell you


Everyone’s like “the things I want for Christmas can’t be bought.” And I’m like “Legos. I want legos.”


The only things certain in life are death, taxes, and forgetting my reusable grocery bags.


Me: i knew you’d pull through

drug dealer: [passing vitamin gummies] just go to walgreens man


No matter how rich or famous you become, when you die, the size of your funeral will still pretty much depend on the weather.