@robfee

I wish boxing was like wrestling so when the ref was distracted Manny Pacquiao would run in & hit Floyd Mayweather with a Stone Cold Stunner

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@Redfiascos

I’m always disappointed when I board a plane and there’s no handsome man running after me to stop me. Thanks, hollywood.

@shutyourhell

girl in novel: hi my older brother who is 17 years old and popular, do you want breakfast ?

her brother: yes, remember when mom died when you were 4 and our dad is an alcoholic ?

@isabelzawtun

*a movie that’s 100% studio logo animations but the audience doesn’t even notice until 30 minutes in*

@ShadyLadyHH

My new hobby is sitting outside on campus at night in my 1940s clothes and when people say things to me, I say “You can see me?”

@50FirstTates

OEDIPUS: hi do u have any anniversary/Mother’s Day cards?

CARD STORE CLERK: dude wtf

@fignhoney

Some people can’t sleep because they have insomnia. I can’t sleep because I have internet connection.

@lasergirl70

🎵If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my gourds🎵

~ The Pumpkin Spice Girls

@UncleDuke1969

“Still too cold… Still too cold…”
“Screw it, I can’t be late again.”

@TheAlexP

If you’re charging me $15 for apple cider at a hayride it better contain enough booze to enable me to see a headless horseman.

@CoreyKeyz

Valentine’s Day makes me realize how single I really am. But I’m still gonna sleep like a baby knowing I’m not getting cheated on.