I’m always disappointed when I board a plane and there’s no handsome man running after me to stop me. Thanks, hollywood.
I wish boxing was like wrestling so when the ref was distracted Manny Pacquiao would run in & hit Floyd Mayweather with a Stone Cold Stunner
You Might Also Like
girl in novel: hi my older brother who is 17 years old and popular, do you want breakfast ?
her brother: yes, remember when mom died when you were 4 and our dad is an alcoholic ?
*a movie that’s 100% studio logo animations but the audience doesn’t even notice until 30 minutes in*
My new hobby is sitting outside on campus at night in my 1940s clothes and when people say things to me, I say “You can see me?”
OEDIPUS: hi do u have any anniversary/Mother’s Day cards?
CARD STORE CLERK: dude wtf
Some people can’t sleep because they have insomnia. I can’t sleep because I have internet connection.
🎵If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my gourds🎵
~ The Pumpkin Spice Girls
“Still too cold… Still too cold…”
“Screw it, I can’t be late again.”
If you’re charging me $15 for apple cider at a hayride it better contain enough booze to enable me to see a headless horseman.
Valentine’s Day makes me realize how single I really am. But I’m still gonna sleep like a baby knowing I’m not getting cheated on.