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Spielberg’s movie “Catch Me If You Can” but it’s just me making up jobs I have so I don’t need to volunteer at school.
Recipe:Add wine and cook out the alcohol.
Me: Whaaaaaa?
the end of twitter is taking forever did tolkien write this
What’s faster than the speed of light?
A female untagging herself from an unflattering photo.
My favorite part about reading The New Yorker in public is looking around to make sure people see I’m reading The New Yorker in public.
when you’re locked out of the house and you can see your keys sitting right there on the table
On average, a person spends about 14 years of their life trying to open ketchup packets.
This woman ahead of me…Will. Not. Shut. Up. Never mind. That’s a mirror.
My youngest kid quit liking cheese, so now I have to eat it for the both of us
If the name of a show is just some guy’s name you know its about a killer.
E.g. Dexter, Barry, Arthur
“This would be better if there was cake” really does ring true in any situation.
When your great-grandchildren call you racist for thinking all monkeys look the same.
“Hello welcome to meteorologist school. Please stick your head out of the nearest window and pick your diploma up on your way out.”
Me: Could we please have a cushion of time between Halloween and when the Christmas music starts playing?
All of retail: No.
I’LL SAY WHEN I’VE HAD ENOUGH! KEEP ‘EM COMING, BARTENDER!!
*handing me another espresso*
The term is barista, ma’am.
Stop flattering yourself.
I’m not subtweeting you.
Ok, i am right now, but i wasn’t before.
[god inventing cows]
angels: why?
god: cheese
angels: *nodding* cheese
You love him. Your parents approve him. He buys you flowers and chocolate. He wrote you a poem that rhymes “wood” with “food.”
I just saw a guy with the Monster energy logo tattooed on his neck, so if your village is missing their idiot, we have him.
And then the recipe said “booze optional” and we laughed and laughed and laughed.
None of the parenting books prepare you for the moment your kid uses air quotes correctly for the first time.
Who called it baking and not making love
Sex is a lot like Mario Kart, you go really fast, you throw some bananas, Wario is there.
Used my dog’s shampoo and now my leg kicks while I’m brushing my hair
According to Facebook, 78% of girls I went to high school with now own their own photography business.
[speaking very loudly to no one trying to impress someone nearby]
Man what am I going to do with all these hens
As a parent you get to see just how much a baby accomplishes in its first year of life. Because you’re awake for all of it.
“Alas, I am surrounded. You must fight on, gentlemen, I fear that it is too late for me. Now come and get me you savages, we shall travel to Hell together!”
Just got to our Airbnb!
I asked my dad if there were any advantages to being in your eighties. He said, “Well, no one tries to sell me extended warranties anymore.”