I wish cartoons would have prepared me for working and doing taxes instead of, like, quicksand

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Why are you even asking me that mom. I love jumping off bridges, either by myself or as a group, you know that.


[caught getting last piece of pie out of fridge]

And I would have gotten away with it too, if it wasn’t for that meddling open door beep!


Batman V Superman 2:

Both men agree their last battle was too destructive

They settle their differences by playing Uno

Loser leaves earth


No, I’m not dressing up as something sexy. I’m sexy 364 days of the year. I’m dressing up as the Predator.


[consoling widow] I was the one who put the kick me sign on your husband. I had no idea you owned a horse that can read


My husband is totally okay with period sex so I dress up like Abraham Lincoln.


Husband: How painful is childbirth?

Me: Imagine going to Hobby Lobby with me.

H: Okay?

Me: Then Home Goods.

H: Alright.

Me: Then Bed, Bath & Beyond, then Kohl’s, then Michaels, then JC Penney’s, then –

H: *in fetal position*