@tomipuff

I wish cartoons would have prepared me for working and doing taxes instead of, like, quicksand

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@mattsurely

Why are you even asking me that mom. I love jumping off bridges, either by myself or as a group, you know that.

@Darlainky

[caught getting last piece of pie out of fridge]

And I would have gotten away with it too, if it wasn’t for that meddling open door beep!

@SequelsWeWant

Batman V Superman 2:

Both men agree their last battle was too destructive

They settle their differences by playing Uno

Loser leaves earth

@Alvildalikely

No, I’m not dressing up as something sexy. I’m sexy 364 days of the year. I’m dressing up as the Predator.

@murrman5

[consoling widow] I was the one who put the kick me sign on your husband. I had no idea you owned a horse that can read

@jellybnbonanza

My husband is totally okay with period sex so I dress up like Abraham Lincoln.

@mommajessiec

Husband: How painful is childbirth?

Me: Imagine going to Hobby Lobby with me.

H: Okay?

Me: Then Home Goods.

H: Alright.

Me: Then Bed, Bath & Beyond, then Kohl’s, then Michaels, then JC Penney’s, then –

H: *in fetal position*