I wish catalog models could do one pose with bad posture, looking awkward and self-conscious, so I’d know how the outfit would look on me
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You could do like my granny does when she loses a pet. Sticks it in the freezer.
I almost thawed out poppy the parrot once thinking it was chocolate mint ice cream
SHAME ON YOU LOT for showing newby tweeters bad behaviour this weekend
*ring ring*
ME: Hello
FRIEND: Nat. Why is my son saying the F Word?
One of my foster dogs chewed up my credit card and now my husband wants to keep him
Me: Am I the only one you’ve ever slept with?
Wife: Absolutely… the others were at least sevens and there was a TEN OMG!
If you name a baby Barbara, the baby turns 50 years old immediately.
the only thing i remember about my school’s gifted program was learning about whales.
what was it about whales that the other kids weren’t ready for? the mystery haunts me to this day.
Ok, Don’t let them know you’re an egg
“Mr Yolk, you are 20 minutes late for this interview”
[drags on cig] I was getting laid by a chick
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
My kid said “don’t look at me,” and now it’s like my eyes are glued to her face and I can’t look anywhere else.
Been to the hospital to get a mole checked. Apparently they all look like that & I should’ve just left it in its hole in the garden.
WITCH (using her broom for just sweeping): did we give up our dreams?
WIZARD (using his pointy hat as a piping bag for cupcake icing): yes
What’s the most baby state? Washington because WA
A 22 year old girl said to me “there’s NO WAY you are 41”
I put her in my pocket and took her home.
She’s mine now.
I just need a shovel and a good alibi.
It’s when I saw the children playing with their toys completely wrong that I knew I had to step in
ME [being stabbed by a stingray]: This pancake seems angry.
“Mommy don’t sit on the swing because you’re going to make it wider!” – my daughter screaming to me at the park
Marriage Counselor: Maybe you should change your responses to the things your wife says.
Me: Fine, I can do that.*two days later*
Her: Do these jeans make me look fat?
Me: Yep.
I put the hummingbird feeder by the other bird feeders so the hummingbirds are forced to learn some social skills.
gf: u wanna put something dirty on tv
me: *seductively drapes my socks on television*
[at art museum]
Security: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Me: It needs more yellow
British parking sign:
———————————
Parking Mon-Fri
Saturday (except Sunday)
No return within 1 hour
2 hour max (bank holiday)
Not valid Fri-Mon
(Excludes Weekdays)
1 hour only
———————————
*Toddler throws sock on floor and bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
Toddler: Because someone took my sock
Me: No one took your sock!
Toddler: Then where is it?!
Me: It’s right there on the floor next to my sanity
If at first you don’t succeed, it’s called ‘Attempted’ Murder.
[reading online survey]
Are you ready to double your satisfaction?
My god this sounds wildly inappropriate.
*clicks yes*
One of the coolest things about superhero films is that they can be any genre.
Science fiction? Guardians of the Galaxy.
Fantasy? Doctor Strange.
Sleep aid? Eternals.
coworker: look at my baby
me: wats his name
coworker: jeremy
me: how do u kno
coworker: we named him jeremy
me: wat if he already had a name
I’m too lazy to try the Marie Kondo method. I’m pinning my hopes on a robbery.
What’s dopamine is dopayours.