@Thee_Mikey_B

I wish chlamydia was as hard to get as it is to spell.

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@AristotlesNZ

Me: Are these your kids?
Boss: “Yep”
They’re gorgeous!
“Thanks”
Step kids?
“Nope”
Adopted?
“No..”
..
“..”
She’s cheating on you..
“Get out”

@mommajessiec

Husband: *wakes up* Wow! I feel great! I can’t believe all of our kids slept through the night.

Me: (with 4 kids on top of me) Oh, I believe it.

@portmanteauface

At this point I only practice good personal hygiene based on how I would want my body to be found

@mommajessiec

*pile of dishes in the sink*

*laundry hamper overflowing*

*toothpaste smeared across the sinks*

*toys scattered across the house*

Husband: *leaf-blowing the attic*

@Skoogeth

Professor X: So what’s your power?

Me: I can heal immediately-

X: Oh, we already have someone that can do that.

Me: -from any emotional wounds.

X: That’s dumb. You can’t join the team.

Me: I’m completely ok with that.

@Brentweets

Speed 3: Waitress has to keep talking about the day’s specials or the entire restaurant explodes.

@meganamram

This aging app is really getting people’s hopes up that the world will still be here when they’re old

@archerenemy

Jackpot is like regular pot, but with a questionable added ingredient…