Every millennial is obsessed with We Bought a Zoo because the idea of being able to buy any property at all is insane to us.
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you would not believe that one of the reasons i’m most excited to move out is so i can own a bean bag in every room of my house
My ex from highschool followed my new dog’s Instagram account and dm’ed her “I don’t like your mom” LMAO IM DYING
My FedEx guy knocks on the door like his son is dying and I’m the town doctor.
A vampire can’t enter your home without being invited. But that doesn’t apply to sheds. (One of those bloodsucking pricks stole my weedwacker last week.)
Why is it always “I see you drank all the beer today!” instead of, “Oh, honey, that was so sweet of you to help clean out the refrigerator.”
Car trouble, miss? Allow me to squint, and posture heroically while staring at your labyrinthine engine as panic cascades through my spine.
“Can I be honest with you?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t know me at all do you?”
According to my scales, there could be four wolves inside of me.
I’m a man of conviction, but no jail time.
Billy: Hi! What’s your name?
Johnny: Johnny.
B: Hey, what’s THAT?
J: An iPhone 4.
Mom: Who’s your new friend, Billy?
B: Johnny. He’s poor.
[swimming pool]
me: do you have family changing facilities?
clerk: yes we do
me: ok what can I get for 2 sons and a wife
[spider party]
black widow: oh yeah looks like there are lots of edible bachelors here
[cops knock on my door]
“Sir?”
“Nobody’s home.”
“Who said that then?”
“My dog.”
“Jesus Christ, well do u know when Mr Hughes will be back?”
[job interview]
“Have any questions?”
Think the 3 Little Pigs hired the Big Bad Wolf to blow their houses down to collect insurance money?
It’s 100% legal to give cops the finger. But remember, it’s also apparently 100% legal for them to shoot and kill you.
I have three brothers but to keep dad on his toes only a couple of us got in trouble at a time.
Has anyone else noticed when time travelers grab you buy your shoulders and ask what year it is and you tell them, they don’t reply, “then I’m not too late” anymore?
That’s kind of worrying.
Tip for twitter newbies:
Before you start using twitter, please make sure this is really what you want to do with the rest of your life.
Roses are red, my real name is Dave. This poem makes no sense, microwave.
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
Parents, talk with your children about the importance of saving frequently so they won’t have to restart at the beginning of the level.
You don’t know fear until you cough out a tampon nowhere near a bathroom.
Mushrooms must be protected from the rain at all times.
Teacher in online class: Note this down fast.
Everyone:
Sure, my kid likes horses like she likes everything else – for five minutes
Fun fact: Taking a box of condoms to the pharmacist’s window and asking for the fitting room will get you thrown out of Target.
Interviewer: what makes you stand out?
Harry Potter: i’m a Wizard.
Interviewer: *scratching head* everyone here is tho, why are you the best?
Harry Potter: My mom like, REALLY loved me.
The 3 Little Pigs Story teaches us that if you use cheap building materials, you deserve to be murdered by a stranger.
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
Him: …and I asked you out because you’re smart and pret-WHY ARE YOU POKING ME WITH A STICK?
Me: To see if you’re real or if I’m just high