I wish chlamydia was as hard to get as it is to spell.

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Me: Are these your kids?
Boss: “Yep”
They’re gorgeous!
Step kids?
She’s cheating on you..
“Get out”


Husband: *wakes up* Wow! I feel great! I can’t believe all of our kids slept through the night.

Me: (with 4 kids on top of me) Oh, I believe it.


At this point I only practice good personal hygiene based on how I would want my body to be found


*pile of dishes in the sink*

*laundry hamper overflowing*

*toothpaste smeared across the sinks*

*toys scattered across the house*

Husband: *leaf-blowing the attic*


Professor X: So what’s your power?

Me: I can heal immediately-

X: Oh, we already have someone that can do that.

Me: -from any emotional wounds.

X: That’s dumb. You can’t join the team.

Me: I’m completely ok with that.


Speed 3: Waitress has to keep talking about the day’s specials or the entire restaurant explodes.


This aging app is really getting people’s hopes up that the world will still be here when they’re old


Jackpot is like regular pot, but with a questionable added ingredient…