@Thee_Mikey_B
@AristotlesNZ
Me: Are these your kids?
Boss: “Yep”
They’re gorgeous!
“Thanks”
Step kids?
“Nope”
Adopted?
“No..”
..
“..”
She’s cheating on you..
“Get out”
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@AristotlesNZ
@CarriePotter_
#tbt that time i killed a bug and traumatized a child.
@mommajessiec
Husband: *wakes up* Wow! I feel great! I can’t believe all of our kids slept through the night.
Me: (with 4 kids on top of me) Oh, I believe it.
@portmanteauface
At this point I only practice good personal hygiene based on how I would want my body to be found
@mommajessiec
*pile of dishes in the sink*
*laundry hamper overflowing*
*toothpaste smeared across the sinks*
*toys scattered across the house*
Husband: *leaf-blowing the attic*
@Skoogeth
Professor X: So what’s your power?
Me: I can heal immediately-
X: Oh, we already have someone that can do that.
Me: -from any emotional wounds.
X: That’s dumb. You can’t join the team.
Me: I’m completely ok with that.
@Brentweets
Speed 3: Waitress has to keep talking about the day’s specials or the entire restaurant explodes.
@meganamram
This aging app is really getting people’s hopes up that the world will still be here when they’re old
@archerenemy
Jackpot is like regular pot, but with a questionable added ingredient…