@beeftweets

I wish corn would teach other foods how to explode into a different food that’s 10 times better.

You Might Also Like

@roxiqt

You can lead a horse to water but I don’t know why you’d want to do that when there are infinitely cooler places to hang out with a horse. Take them out dancing. Go rock climbing. Change it up. Don’t let things get dull. Part of love is constantly surprising each other.

@JPLFR80

Somewhere out there, my soulmate is adorably pushing on a pull door.

@SexyInsomniac

I just ran into my friend Sue. She introduced me to her second husband. I said “I wouldn’t have picked him first either.”

@daemonic3

ME: *reads mac & cheese box* Stir cheese sauce every 5m to keep creamy

[4yrs later]

ME: *still stirring every 5m* Please.. I have a family

@DaddyJew

[job interview]

What’s your biggest weakness?

Ahhhhhhhhhhh!!! Sorry about that. Questions, definitely questions.

@upsidedowntrash

I get home and realize where my house stood a shark now sits dressed as a house with its mouth open
Shark:[nervously makes house noises]

@JustMeTurtle

OMG you guys!! I have abs

.

.

.

.

.

.

…olutely no desire to give up tacos and beer.

@lecalabara

“I love Justin Bieber” well I love McDonalds but you dont see me making an account pretending to be a chicken nugget, do you?

@behindyourback

*grabs man in NASA coat*
No, you don’t understand! He’s a werewolf! A werewolf astronaut! LISTEN TO ME, THE MOON IS ALWAYS FULL UP THERE!