You can lead a horse to water but I don’t know why you’d want to do that when there are infinitely cooler places to hang out with a horse. Take them out dancing. Go rock climbing. Change it up. Don’t let things get dull. Part of love is constantly surprising each other.
I wish corn would teach other foods how to explode into a different food that’s 10 times better.
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Somewhere out there, my soulmate is adorably pushing on a pull door.
Person: I like you
Me: *eyes narrow* Why
I just ran into my friend Sue. She introduced me to her second husband. I said “I wouldn’t have picked him first either.”
ME: *reads mac & cheese box* Stir cheese sauce every 5m to keep creamy
ME: *still stirring every 5m* Please.. I have a family
What’s your biggest weakness?
Ahhhhhhhhhhh!!! Sorry about that. Questions, definitely questions.
I get home and realize where my house stood a shark now sits dressed as a house with its mouth open
Shark:[nervously makes house noises]
OMG you guys!! I have abs
…olutely no desire to give up tacos and beer.
“I love Justin Bieber” well I love McDonalds but you dont see me making an account pretending to be a chicken nugget, do you?
*grabs man in NASA coat*
No, you don’t understand! He’s a werewolf! A werewolf astronaut! LISTEN TO ME, THE MOON IS ALWAYS FULL UP THERE!